A smidge of hope

   March has been an adventure of a month for me this year. I'm out to change all of the things I disliked about myself. It was a lengthy list if you get my drift. So i begun with my mind and worked my way to my body. I've always felt a little lost in my own head. As if my thoughts process wasn't a process at all, instead it played a lot of hopscotch. I needed to find a goal for my thoughts. Something to work toward.
   While on my quest for inner peace, I found myself judging my relationships. I was determining what they were giving me and what i gave in return. Little did i know I was sure to find heartbreak. See some of the people in my inner circle were not quite what I needed them to be, and same goes for what I was giving them. I had hopes for these relationship but not heart. It's hard to be a genuine friend when you are hoping that friend will change. I gave many a chances and ended up feeling bad A LOT! So part of my new process was to be honest. Really honest about everything. I know I hurt feelings but it was I needed to do to settle my restless mind. That honesty got me changing rapidly.
    My next bout of change was something a little more difficult. It required work! I use to be a very athletic girl in my younger years, but after domestication I was heavy. I wanted my body to feel like my head. It needed a goal too. So i begun my training to become a runner, and who would have thought  that I would love it so much. I've recently ran my farthest distance yet, 5 miles! It was a proud moment for me. I've never felt so strong, so under control, and so motivated.
   As this month comes to and end i find myself smiling a lot. I feel as if my body and mind are finally on the same track. I'm a calmer person now and it's all due to a smidge of hope. I hoped i could change, and I've gotten myself far in the little month of march. I can't wait to see what I can accomplish now. The world is at my feet, and I'm running forward as fast as I can!

A birthday

Today is a soft spot on my patchwork heart. It's the birthday of a great love, Dennis. It's always been my style to get over my past as soon as possible, but I'm finding myself taking comfort in remembrance now a days. See Dennis died 8 years ago in the spring, so with the growth of everything around me my heart is always heavy this time of year. He was such a great guy, a great husband. He had a smile that you couldn't help but smile back at. He was a joyous person and had a way of making you feel adored. I love him dearly and always will. He taught me so much about myself. He taught me to grow up, and become a strong woman, Without him. It was what I needed in order to raise my boys, his boy. I spent a long time regretting some of the decisions I had made in those times. I like to think he would understand and be proud of who I've become. So this year on his Birthday I'm making a mens. I am going to stop regretting and enjoy my memories of him. He is part of me and worth celebrating.  Happy Birthday Babe!

Run!

I have been..and I'm liking it. Whats not to like? Besides: side-aches, sweatiness, and breathlessness. But I'm liking: the wind in my face, the sounds of the woods, and the air in my lungs! Nature is calling and I want to run to her :)

Me

Younger me: 

never wanted kids

was always in a rush

had low self esteem

 was in a hurry to be on her own

had little self respect

wanted calm but got chaos

thought little of the future

thought things just worked out

always wanted to socialize

wasted my beauty

was a fan of phases

took my grandparents for granted

Older me:

loves that I had kids

misses the people who loved me most

craves nature

can't ride dizzy rides anymore

slowly forgets my child mind

still likes toys

needs reassurance sometimes

is more scared than ever

has dogs of my own

is fashion trendy

wants others to be calm

makes art

is okay being me.

Oh Poppy

Oh pretty pink poppy

 why must you stay

  But only one day?

Tiny fencers

I recently put my hummingbird feeders out early this year, and much to my surprise we live right smack in the middle of hummingbird central. They fly in and out of the yard with such speed and grace. It's like watching some sort of acrobatic show every day. It's not just one type of hummingbird either, there is like 5 different colored ones out there. My personal favorite is the red head with the copper body. It's the smallest and Ive yet to get a picture of it. They have begun showing up in such numbers that they are getting territorial. I will be watching one drinking calmly and then the next thing you know, there is another bird flying so fast it looks like a dart, and then they tumble off into the sky. The winner returns only to be challenged again within minutes. So my back yard has turned into a tiny fencing tournament. and the winner gets all the nectar. I couldn't be happier. They are amazing little birds. Here is one of our frequent flyers. Happy spring!

People that pick

They say the older we get the wiser we become, but I don't think that is true for ALL people. The older I get the more I realize how very different we all are. I have had many friends in my lifetime and I've learn a lot of lessons from those friendships. One thing I've discovered over the years is the type of people that I don't want to be surrounded by. Now i'm not sure if it might be my personality that brings out the worst in these people. But I do know when to call a loss a loss. There is not enough time in life to spend pondering mistreatment, or to tolerate abuse. I've never really thought of myself as a people pleaser, but i will definitely say I am a tension diffuser. This might be why i tolerate people I shouldn't. For some reason I keep befriending women that want or need to pick on me. The kind of friend that is always pointing out your faults, and won't hesitate to try and belittle you any chance they get. I'm tired of these women, they find some sort of pleasure in raining on my parade. Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying that i'm the worlds greatest friend or anything. I just realize now that a friend should be someone to lift you up not drag you down. Someone to bring a smile to your face. Someone to not envy, but admire. I can't shake the thought that I somehow provoke this. My hubby says it's because i'm comfortable in my own skin. I'm happy with who I am and what I've got, and that makes insecure people want to take me down a notch. But i don't understand that sort of mentality. It seems so childish to want someone else to fail so you can have a better outlook on life. I think I have great life and I love the friends I have chosen to keep company with. They make me want to be a better person, and I enjoy all their success as if it where my own. I find in this day and age of social networking and textholics, that it leaves something to be desired. I hate how it feels like true emotion is fleeting. It's hard to read a thought when your not really looking at a face. Texts can so easily be misread or over analyzed, leaving to much room for words unsaid. I have a had a few friendships end via social networking sites and it has permanently left a stain on my poor Pc. I like to think that if i feel strongly enough to sit down and write out my thoughts to a person should i not also have the same courage to pick up a phone or look them in the eye. Passive aggressive behavior is too easily achieved behind a computer screen. If I've learned anything from all this it would be; Say what you mean, don't type it, and be who you are, don't fake it, and most importantly choose your friends wisely, they can make all the difference. Alright thats it today.Peace please in all aspects of your life. ~Lisa