I blame you

Yes you. Me! I blame myself for a lot of things. Choices I've made. People I've hurt. People I've pushed away, Where I am at right now. I know we all make mistakes, do things, that someday we eventually regret. I am aware that all of these choices, have in turn made up who I am today. but if who's to say, if i would have made better choices would I in turn, be a better me? My mind is full lately. I have stresses that wont sleep. I have this sense that time is running out. Like my time to do something amazing is gaining on me. I know I can't live my life on what ifs, but I can't help but think I should be doing so much more. I was probably doing pretty much the exact same thing at this exact time last year. I find it sad when I can't determine year from year anymore. I need motivation!

Now you are probably thinking, what could have brought on such an onset of emotion. ok your not thinking that, it is my blog you know. But I think I know what started it. I recently had to replace my printer, and the new one comes with a scanner/copier. Sweet right? yes and no. Having this new awesome gadget sent me diving head first into photo albums for memories. Now I hadn't really stopped to think, if i was in right mindset to start dreading up my past. But I went ahead anyway. After I had gotten about half way through the first album I got a knot in my stomach. I found myself looking at a different me. A me I can barely remember now, A me without hobbies, A me without decoration. A me with a completely different dream. I find that dream to be so much realer now, less optimistic. I am let down. I have let me down. I was suppose to make progress. Instead I got comfortable, I got stuck.
The worst part is all the talk. I talk about all these things I want to do, and I really do want to do them. Even though I'm terrified inside. Scared of rejection, of critics, of all in all bad reaction in general. I am far to sensitive. I sometimes think to myself, where will all of this art end up once my time is through? Maybe on some college kids wall that they picked up at a little thrift store near campus. Or will it make it's way to a distant family members basement, were it collects a thick layer of dust almost becoming unrecognizable. Or will someone along the way become a fan and go to great lengths to collect all my pieces. Maybe giving my kids enough money to buy a house... or a car at least. I don't know. I never will, but it can keep me busy contemplating it a while.
I guess what this whole blog is about, would be a promise, a promise I made to myself a long time ago. A promise I have yet to fulfill. I don't know if I will ever fulfill it. But hope is never far. It's not today, but maybe tomorrow. I'm sorry for the down beat of this one. It's rainy outside and so am I. So I'll hide this one out for now, and try not to share to much about what I am not doing.... yet. I'm thinking i need to start evolving again. Ive been in this cocoon to long.

I read this quote this morning. It made me feel a little better.

We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ~Joseph Campbell