The Tree

Today I was inspired. Not by the sun, not by music, but by a dear family member. I have a pretty big family, especially with all the people who I have chosen to be my family. So I'm usually pretty content with sharing my thoughts and speaking my mind. That's how family works right? But lately I've been pushed out of the very big loop. I am finding avoidance in tone, and lack of normal conversation. Now I expect this from certain people, as it varies with moods. But it's led me to ponder once again. Has my need to be honest and speak my mind done more harm than good? Have I judged without right? I can't wrap my mind around it. If I hold my feelings back I torture myself. I lose sleep, obsess, and let it effect my immediate family. If i spill my guts I get cold shoulders and awkwardness. I think i need to figure out a way to delicately conceal and deliver just a tiny little package of guts. Haha... So I do less damage to both sides.
I worry that these issues might alter my views on life. I worry about the paths I will take. I wonder if those paths will lead me in other directions or just loop me around, unsatisfied and searching? I hope for a destination. A place to relax, forget time and worries. A place to grow old gracefully. I picture it by the ocean, small yet charming. A wooded yard with a garden of lavender. An old couple working side by side. Like they had for a lifetime. Content with just being together. This is my dream. My hope. I suppose it's not every ones dream though. I'd be naive to think so.
With fall coming and going, I stare at my bare apple tree. Twisted and distorted from years of weather. I like to base time off this tree. I watch out my windows and see it change. I like to think it watches me back..... Anyway, every year I watch the leaves sprout and the apples grow. Then when ready, the apples fall to the ground. Sometimes directly beneath where they grew. Some roll a bit, and others embed themselves in the soil, safe and cushioned. Enjoying the protection from the tree. Then the weather begins to change, and the leaves with it. I see the leaves hang in sadness for they know whats coming. They stay as long as they can, then catch wind and fly away. Never to stay close to the tree. The leaves are so different from the apples. Even different from the tree. Yet they are all somehow the same, a part of one another. I feel the same way about my family. I've come to some recent conclusions in my metaphorical thinking, and I don't think I want to curse my branches anymore, or my apples. They are different and I cannot change them. I would rather see them from a distance and admire them for their own unique beauty. I can change that part of my nature. I can love what I don't understand.
This holiday I will smile in acceptance. Because that is what I am celebrating this year. I've excepted my family and my world for exactly what they are. Mine ♥