500 beats per minute

That is how i feel. My heart is on the fly, and it's all about a boy. My oldest son is 11 this year and it was a year of milestones to say the least. A year of change, learned sarcasms, and girlfriends! I have always thought that I was going to be the cool understanding mom when it came to having teenage boys. But I think I might have had it backwards. I was a great momma to my little boys. When I was the center of their world, it made me feel whole. I made all the plans and made all the mistakes, but it was okay, I could fix it. Now as they grow, I find myself feeling somewhat lost and scared. Not scared that they are growing and becoming self sufficient young men. That part is wonderful! I am scared because I am needed less. They are making their own plans and their own mistakes, ones I wont be asked to fix. It's a hard thing to do, Letting go, it's hard just to say. I can see how some parents might want to shorten this pain and let go quickly. Let them learn on their own. Tuff love I guess. But that is not me. I am hoping I can drag it out a bit. Teach them to fly a little before they make any big jumps from the nest. I want them to be safe and confident and ready to take on the big things that are waiting for them. But i'm having a hard time teaching through the panic i feel.

We recently had our first encounter with trust. My Oldest went on his first date to the movies. I love that he feels ready and excited for these new adventures (with girls no less). I'm sad to say that I don't' think I'm all that ready. He still seems so small to me, I still see that tiny face. I want to tell him all my thoughts and fears, but I bite my tongue. It's a fine line between loving mother and over protective psycho. So i hear. This must get easier with age. I look at my parents and my in laws and they don't sport that ever look of panic on their faces that I feel is permanently etched on mine. I'm going to have to work at this, I need to be a little stronger, for them.

I feel very lucky to have the man I have. He is very strong and is very understanding of the boys. He is doing a great job keeping me sane. I know now that he will be their confidant. He will be the one who can help fix the mistakes. That is who he is for me as well.

Maybe I will be the one they come to for softer things, like love and hugs and a shoulder to cry on. I'm good at those things. I'm not good at letting go, or letting grow in this case. Now that my babies are no longer babies what am i left to do. How do you suck it up and move on when your heart is walking away from you. I will cling to what I have for now. I still get big hugs and kisses every night before bed, and big smiles when they come home from school. So I'll let time work it's magic and see if I can get use to this feeling. Or at least make it less obvious that i'm struggling. It will be okay that i'm no longer the center of their worlds, I can help them get there themselves. I need to remember that I'm not losing. I just have to let my love grow up and out little. I'll make this a resolution for next year. To grow with my boys, even if i'm not "with" them. Wish me luck!