Tiny fencers

I recently put my hummingbird feeders out early this year, and much to my surprise we live right smack in the middle of hummingbird central. They fly in and out of the yard with such speed and grace. It's like watching some sort of acrobatic show every day. It's not just one type of hummingbird either, there is like 5 different colored ones out there. My personal favorite is the red head with the copper body. It's the smallest and Ive yet to get a picture of it. They have begun showing up in such numbers that they are getting territorial. I will be watching one drinking calmly and then the next thing you know, there is another bird flying so fast it looks like a dart, and then they tumble off into the sky. The winner returns only to be challenged again within minutes. So my back yard has turned into a tiny fencing tournament. and the winner gets all the nectar. I couldn't be happier. They are amazing little birds. Here is one of our frequent flyers. Happy spring!

People that pick

They say the older we get the wiser we become, but I don't think that is true for ALL people. The older I get the more I realize how very different we all are. I have had many friends in my lifetime and I've learn a lot of lessons from those friendships. One thing I've discovered over the years is the type of people that I don't want to be surrounded by. Now i'm not sure if it might be my personality that brings out the worst in these people. But I do know when to call a loss a loss. There is not enough time in life to spend pondering mistreatment, or to tolerate abuse. I've never really thought of myself as a people pleaser, but i will definitely say I am a tension diffuser. This might be why i tolerate people I shouldn't. For some reason I keep befriending women that want or need to pick on me. The kind of friend that is always pointing out your faults, and won't hesitate to try and belittle you any chance they get. I'm tired of these women, they find some sort of pleasure in raining on my parade. Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying that i'm the worlds greatest friend or anything. I just realize now that a friend should be someone to lift you up not drag you down. Someone to bring a smile to your face. Someone to not envy, but admire. I can't shake the thought that I somehow provoke this. My hubby says it's because i'm comfortable in my own skin. I'm happy with who I am and what I've got, and that makes insecure people want to take me down a notch. But i don't understand that sort of mentality. It seems so childish to want someone else to fail so you can have a better outlook on life. I think I have great life and I love the friends I have chosen to keep company with. They make me want to be a better person, and I enjoy all their success as if it where my own. I find in this day and age of social networking and textholics, that it leaves something to be desired. I hate how it feels like true emotion is fleeting. It's hard to read a thought when your not really looking at a face. Texts can so easily be misread or over analyzed, leaving to much room for words unsaid. I have a had a few friendships end via social networking sites and it has permanently left a stain on my poor Pc. I like to think that if i feel strongly enough to sit down and write out my thoughts to a person should i not also have the same courage to pick up a phone or look them in the eye. Passive aggressive behavior is too easily achieved behind a computer screen. If I've learned anything from all this it would be; Say what you mean, don't type it, and be who you are, don't fake it, and most importantly choose your friends wisely, they can make all the difference. Alright thats it today.Peace please in all aspects of your life. ~Lisa

Hidden gems.... right under my nose!

My itunes is not opening today. I'm sure I just need to reboot or something, but i'm not that patient right now. So I decide to visit my lastfm recommended radio, and I just have to say that it has stolen my heart. So far I have liked-loved every song it has perfectly chosen for me. Its pretty exciting for me to hunt down new music, It's the only hunting take part in. I usually try to take recommendations from friends and it has left me with some true delights and gives me a broad range in music taste. I like to think I can find most everyone a gem in my collection that will someday join theirs. I love when people do that for me. So back to this mind reading little radio thing, did I mention I love it! So far it has played me these recommendations, that I'm now recommending to you.

Blind Pilot- things i cannot recall

Horse feathers - honest doubters

Someone still loves you Boris yeltson - Gwyneth

Fruit bats - slipping through the sensors

Miniature tigers - dino damage

Erin mccarley - lovesick mistake

The Helio sequence - back to this

Matt pond PA - summer is coming

Joshua James - Fm radio

Brandi Carlile - turpentine

Jaymay - Autumn fallen

Carter Burwell - Moose lake

Edward Sharpe and the magnetic zeros- desert song

I hope you find something you might like. I'm going to explore my new favorite friend a little more. Happy listening ♥

Unexpected motivaton

Today i spoke with an old friend and I think it was just what I needed. I do a lot of talking in general but i feel like it doesn't hold a lot of meaning. This conversation made me move and not just speak. I have decided ( spur of the moment of course) to make a change. I am well aware of my seasonal depression and I've finally decided enough is enough. So Today i started with palates, then followed it up with some speed walking, then ate a big plate of vegis for lunch. I plan on doing the same thing tomorrow. I feel energized and hopeful for the first time in a long time. It's funny how i can get advice from the same peeps day in a and day out. But I found my motivation from an unexpected source. Everyone always asks me "whats new with you?" and I never have anything real to tell them. I am going to change that. Not next year or tomorrow, I started today! So here I go, time to make me NEW again! yay!

500 beats per minute

That is how i feel. My heart is on the fly, and it's all about a boy. My oldest son is 11 this year and it was a year of milestones to say the least. A year of change, learned sarcasms, and girlfriends! I have always thought that I was going to be the cool understanding mom when it came to having teenage boys. But I think I might have had it backwards. I was a great momma to my little boys. When I was the center of their world, it made me feel whole. I made all the plans and made all the mistakes, but it was okay, I could fix it. Now as they grow, I find myself feeling somewhat lost and scared. Not scared that they are growing and becoming self sufficient young men. That part is wonderful! I am scared because I am needed less. They are making their own plans and their own mistakes, ones I wont be asked to fix. It's a hard thing to do, Letting go, it's hard just to say. I can see how some parents might want to shorten this pain and let go quickly. Let them learn on their own. Tuff love I guess. But that is not me. I am hoping I can drag it out a bit. Teach them to fly a little before they make any big jumps from the nest. I want them to be safe and confident and ready to take on the big things that are waiting for them. But i'm having a hard time teaching through the panic i feel.

We recently had our first encounter with trust. My Oldest went on his first date to the movies. I love that he feels ready and excited for these new adventures (with girls no less). I'm sad to say that I don't' think I'm all that ready. He still seems so small to me, I still see that tiny face. I want to tell him all my thoughts and fears, but I bite my tongue. It's a fine line between loving mother and over protective psycho. So i hear. This must get easier with age. I look at my parents and my in laws and they don't sport that ever look of panic on their faces that I feel is permanently etched on mine. I'm going to have to work at this, I need to be a little stronger, for them.

I feel very lucky to have the man I have. He is very strong and is very understanding of the boys. He is doing a great job keeping me sane. I know now that he will be their confidant. He will be the one who can help fix the mistakes. That is who he is for me as well.

Maybe I will be the one they come to for softer things, like love and hugs and a shoulder to cry on. I'm good at those things. I'm not good at letting go, or letting grow in this case. Now that my babies are no longer babies what am i left to do. How do you suck it up and move on when your heart is walking away from you. I will cling to what I have for now. I still get big hugs and kisses every night before bed, and big smiles when they come home from school. So I'll let time work it's magic and see if I can get use to this feeling. Or at least make it less obvious that i'm struggling. It will be okay that i'm no longer the center of their worlds, I can help them get there themselves. I need to remember that I'm not losing. I just have to let my love grow up and out little. I'll make this a resolution for next year. To grow with my boys, even if i'm not "with" them. Wish me luck!

The Tree

Today I was inspired. Not by the sun, not by music, but by a dear family member. I have a pretty big family, especially with all the people who I have chosen to be my family. So I'm usually pretty content with sharing my thoughts and speaking my mind. That's how family works right? But lately I've been pushed out of the very big loop. I am finding avoidance in tone, and lack of normal conversation. Now I expect this from certain people, as it varies with moods. But it's led me to ponder once again. Has my need to be honest and speak my mind done more harm than good? Have I judged without right? I can't wrap my mind around it. If I hold my feelings back I torture myself. I lose sleep, obsess, and let it effect my immediate family. If i spill my guts I get cold shoulders and awkwardness. I think i need to figure out a way to delicately conceal and deliver just a tiny little package of guts. Haha... So I do less damage to both sides.
I worry that these issues might alter my views on life. I worry about the paths I will take. I wonder if those paths will lead me in other directions or just loop me around, unsatisfied and searching? I hope for a destination. A place to relax, forget time and worries. A place to grow old gracefully. I picture it by the ocean, small yet charming. A wooded yard with a garden of lavender. An old couple working side by side. Like they had for a lifetime. Content with just being together. This is my dream. My hope. I suppose it's not every ones dream though. I'd be naive to think so.
With fall coming and going, I stare at my bare apple tree. Twisted and distorted from years of weather. I like to base time off this tree. I watch out my windows and see it change. I like to think it watches me back..... Anyway, every year I watch the leaves sprout and the apples grow. Then when ready, the apples fall to the ground. Sometimes directly beneath where they grew. Some roll a bit, and others embed themselves in the soil, safe and cushioned. Enjoying the protection from the tree. Then the weather begins to change, and the leaves with it. I see the leaves hang in sadness for they know whats coming. They stay as long as they can, then catch wind and fly away. Never to stay close to the tree. The leaves are so different from the apples. Even different from the tree. Yet they are all somehow the same, a part of one another. I feel the same way about my family. I've come to some recent conclusions in my metaphorical thinking, and I don't think I want to curse my branches anymore, or my apples. They are different and I cannot change them. I would rather see them from a distance and admire them for their own unique beauty. I can change that part of my nature. I can love what I don't understand.
This holiday I will smile in acceptance. Because that is what I am celebrating this year. I've excepted my family and my world for exactly what they are. Mine ♥

I blame you

Yes you. Me! I blame myself for a lot of things. Choices I've made. People I've hurt. People I've pushed away, Where I am at right now. I know we all make mistakes, do things, that someday we eventually regret. I am aware that all of these choices, have in turn made up who I am today. but if who's to say, if i would have made better choices would I in turn, be a better me? My mind is full lately. I have stresses that wont sleep. I have this sense that time is running out. Like my time to do something amazing is gaining on me. I know I can't live my life on what ifs, but I can't help but think I should be doing so much more. I was probably doing pretty much the exact same thing at this exact time last year. I find it sad when I can't determine year from year anymore. I need motivation!

Now you are probably thinking, what could have brought on such an onset of emotion. ok your not thinking that, it is my blog you know. But I think I know what started it. I recently had to replace my printer, and the new one comes with a scanner/copier. Sweet right? yes and no. Having this new awesome gadget sent me diving head first into photo albums for memories. Now I hadn't really stopped to think, if i was in right mindset to start dreading up my past. But I went ahead anyway. After I had gotten about half way through the first album I got a knot in my stomach. I found myself looking at a different me. A me I can barely remember now, A me without hobbies, A me without decoration. A me with a completely different dream. I find that dream to be so much realer now, less optimistic. I am let down. I have let me down. I was suppose to make progress. Instead I got comfortable, I got stuck.
The worst part is all the talk. I talk about all these things I want to do, and I really do want to do them. Even though I'm terrified inside. Scared of rejection, of critics, of all in all bad reaction in general. I am far to sensitive. I sometimes think to myself, where will all of this art end up once my time is through? Maybe on some college kids wall that they picked up at a little thrift store near campus. Or will it make it's way to a distant family members basement, were it collects a thick layer of dust almost becoming unrecognizable. Or will someone along the way become a fan and go to great lengths to collect all my pieces. Maybe giving my kids enough money to buy a house... or a car at least. I don't know. I never will, but it can keep me busy contemplating it a while.
I guess what this whole blog is about, would be a promise, a promise I made to myself a long time ago. A promise I have yet to fulfill. I don't know if I will ever fulfill it. But hope is never far. It's not today, but maybe tomorrow. I'm sorry for the down beat of this one. It's rainy outside and so am I. So I'll hide this one out for now, and try not to share to much about what I am not doing.... yet. I'm thinking i need to start evolving again. Ive been in this cocoon to long.

I read this quote this morning. It made me feel a little better.

We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ~Joseph Campbell