Roaming gnomes

Today was full of preparation again. I'm preparing for another weekend of travel and exploration! We are heading to the coast for my b-day/father's day/last week of school celebration. Deane's plan, and it was a great one. But like any over night adventure preparations must be made. Extra socks, dog beds, favorite pillows, games, cameras, and everything else needed to maintain my 3 rowdy boys (and the diz of course) for days of fun. So mom gets the job of remembering everything. If it was up to dad we'd be in the dirt. It takes a lot to create these memory making family adventures. But I am willing and good at it and I know it's worth it. Just to leave it all behind for a while, a chance to press pause on the everyday grind. To turn off the PC (it rarely happens), leave the cell phones at home, and not play any video games for days on end. To enjoy each others voices and humor without distraction.
I love it now and I loved it when i was little. My parents took us every where and all the time. I could usually count on at least one day a weekend the whole family would do something fun. We would rarely stay longer than a night any where, but with four kids that's understandable. I love that my guys like to go as much as I do. They can still appreciate nature along with the technology. I think we have a good balance right now. We are equally having a blast together. Well maybe not Dizzy she is still a bit of a baby. But I have to admit she is getting braver by the trip. She will get there.
This one will be a new one for all of us. This is the first summer we have all had bikes, and I hope I'm not the first one to crash and burn. Wish me luck, I'm going to have crazy kids to keep up with, and i'm not known for my gracefulness. They ride bikes everyday, I ride mine once a week. It should be fun though. I'm excited. I guess 29 isn't so bad, at least I'm not 30 yet!

Haha I love you all my 30 and over friends, I'm being optimistic!

Much love everyone. ~lisa and crew

I've spilled

No real reason, no real rhyme, just thoughts i need to spill.

Me regardless the size, I am not that fat right now. yet i feel like I'll never reach that goal weight. It took 5 years to steadily gain back the weight i lost. Can i lose it now in 2 months? I am beginning to see the a difference in my body. But I will never be a 110 pound girl. I am me even if I'm fluffy. I'm not looking forward to bathing suit season. I am looking forward to a nice dark tan though. I use to love my body. I now hate my clothes. Why the sudden lapse in self esteem? The sun maybe. I've got a crush on it and i want to look good in it.

I turn 29 in two weeks. 29 jeez I'm getting old. I feel achy today. I never ached when i was 19. what happens at 39? I am terrified of getting cancer. I procrastinate important things. Cylis will be 10 in a month and I'm pondering life again. What have i done with it? This summer is a mile stone. I am running out of reasons to be home. I'm anxious to see what is in store for me. What will I make happen?

I'm a hermit. Rearranging in her home all day long. Better things to do? Yes i'm sure. Therapy is easily achieved through the movement of couches. I feel better. Sleepless body restless mind. Realization that i will not be included. Pictures will go un taken. Words will go unsaid. I am not at fault this time. Yet i am punished. I crave to drive somewhere far. Escape. Little parts of me want to cry. I've tried everything else. When do you start to feel grown up? Is that when it becomes no fun anymore?

Selfish? self absorbed? self centered? in love with myself? selfless? whole self? self contained? self worth? I've lost myself again. I'm searching for myself. Have you seen me? Someone knows me. He knows me. But what me? The me 10 years ago or the me now. The me now is better i think. more seasoned. Calm. He is my rock, he makes it ok. It works it's self out. It always does. I have love. Love is amazing.