I've spilled

No real reason, no real rhyme, just thoughts i need to spill.

Me regardless the size, I am not that fat right now. yet i feel like I'll never reach that goal weight. It took 5 years to steadily gain back the weight i lost. Can i lose it now in 2 months? I am beginning to see the a difference in my body. But I will never be a 110 pound girl. I am me even if I'm fluffy. I'm not looking forward to bathing suit season. I am looking forward to a nice dark tan though. I use to love my body. I now hate my clothes. Why the sudden lapse in self esteem? The sun maybe. I've got a crush on it and i want to look good in it.

I turn 29 in two weeks. 29 jeez I'm getting old. I feel achy today. I never ached when i was 19. what happens at 39? I am terrified of getting cancer. I procrastinate important things. Cylis will be 10 in a month and I'm pondering life again. What have i done with it? This summer is a mile stone. I am running out of reasons to be home. I'm anxious to see what is in store for me. What will I make happen?

I'm a hermit. Rearranging in her home all day long. Better things to do? Yes i'm sure. Therapy is easily achieved through the movement of couches. I feel better. Sleepless body restless mind. Realization that i will not be included. Pictures will go un taken. Words will go unsaid. I am not at fault this time. Yet i am punished. I crave to drive somewhere far. Escape. Little parts of me want to cry. I've tried everything else. When do you start to feel grown up? Is that when it becomes no fun anymore?

Selfish? self absorbed? self centered? in love with myself? selfless? whole self? self contained? self worth? I've lost myself again. I'm searching for myself. Have you seen me? Someone knows me. He knows me. But what me? The me 10 years ago or the me now. The me now is better i think. more seasoned. Calm. He is my rock, he makes it ok. It works it's self out. It always does. I have love. Love is amazing.