Unexpected motivaton

Today i spoke with an old friend and I think it was just what I needed. I do a lot of talking in general but i feel like it doesn't hold a lot of meaning. This conversation made me move and not just speak. I have decided ( spur of the moment of course) to make a change. I am well aware of my seasonal depression and I've finally decided enough is enough. So Today i started with palates, then followed it up with some speed walking, then ate a big plate of vegis for lunch. I plan on doing the same thing tomorrow. I feel energized and hopeful for the first time in a long time. It's funny how i can get advice from the same peeps day in a and day out. But I found my motivation from an unexpected source. Everyone always asks me "whats new with you?" and I never have anything real to tell them. I am going to change that. Not next year or tomorrow, I started today! So here I go, time to make me NEW again! yay!

500 beats per minute

That is how i feel. My heart is on the fly, and it's all about a boy. My oldest son is 11 this year and it was a year of milestones to say the least. A year of change, learned sarcasms, and girlfriends! I have always thought that I was going to be the cool understanding mom when it came to having teenage boys. But I think I might have had it backwards. I was a great momma to my little boys. When I was the center of their world, it made me feel whole. I made all the plans and made all the mistakes, but it was okay, I could fix it. Now as they grow, I find myself feeling somewhat lost and scared. Not scared that they are growing and becoming self sufficient young men. That part is wonderful! I am scared because I am needed less. They are making their own plans and their own mistakes, ones I wont be asked to fix. It's a hard thing to do, Letting go, it's hard just to say. I can see how some parents might want to shorten this pain and let go quickly. Let them learn on their own. Tuff love I guess. But that is not me. I am hoping I can drag it out a bit. Teach them to fly a little before they make any big jumps from the nest. I want them to be safe and confident and ready to take on the big things that are waiting for them. But i'm having a hard time teaching through the panic i feel.

We recently had our first encounter with trust. My Oldest went on his first date to the movies. I love that he feels ready and excited for these new adventures (with girls no less). I'm sad to say that I don't' think I'm all that ready. He still seems so small to me, I still see that tiny face. I want to tell him all my thoughts and fears, but I bite my tongue. It's a fine line between loving mother and over protective psycho. So i hear. This must get easier with age. I look at my parents and my in laws and they don't sport that ever look of panic on their faces that I feel is permanently etched on mine. I'm going to have to work at this, I need to be a little stronger, for them.

I feel very lucky to have the man I have. He is very strong and is very understanding of the boys. He is doing a great job keeping me sane. I know now that he will be their confidant. He will be the one who can help fix the mistakes. That is who he is for me as well.

Maybe I will be the one they come to for softer things, like love and hugs and a shoulder to cry on. I'm good at those things. I'm not good at letting go, or letting grow in this case. Now that my babies are no longer babies what am i left to do. How do you suck it up and move on when your heart is walking away from you. I will cling to what I have for now. I still get big hugs and kisses every night before bed, and big smiles when they come home from school. So I'll let time work it's magic and see if I can get use to this feeling. Or at least make it less obvious that i'm struggling. It will be okay that i'm no longer the center of their worlds, I can help them get there themselves. I need to remember that I'm not losing. I just have to let my love grow up and out little. I'll make this a resolution for next year. To grow with my boys, even if i'm not "with" them. Wish me luck!

The Tree

Today I was inspired. Not by the sun, not by music, but by a dear family member. I have a pretty big family, especially with all the people who I have chosen to be my family. So I'm usually pretty content with sharing my thoughts and speaking my mind. That's how family works right? But lately I've been pushed out of the very big loop. I am finding avoidance in tone, and lack of normal conversation. Now I expect this from certain people, as it varies with moods. But it's led me to ponder once again. Has my need to be honest and speak my mind done more harm than good? Have I judged without right? I can't wrap my mind around it. If I hold my feelings back I torture myself. I lose sleep, obsess, and let it effect my immediate family. If i spill my guts I get cold shoulders and awkwardness. I think i need to figure out a way to delicately conceal and deliver just a tiny little package of guts. Haha... So I do less damage to both sides.
I worry that these issues might alter my views on life. I worry about the paths I will take. I wonder if those paths will lead me in other directions or just loop me around, unsatisfied and searching? I hope for a destination. A place to relax, forget time and worries. A place to grow old gracefully. I picture it by the ocean, small yet charming. A wooded yard with a garden of lavender. An old couple working side by side. Like they had for a lifetime. Content with just being together. This is my dream. My hope. I suppose it's not every ones dream though. I'd be naive to think so.
With fall coming and going, I stare at my bare apple tree. Twisted and distorted from years of weather. I like to base time off this tree. I watch out my windows and see it change. I like to think it watches me back..... Anyway, every year I watch the leaves sprout and the apples grow. Then when ready, the apples fall to the ground. Sometimes directly beneath where they grew. Some roll a bit, and others embed themselves in the soil, safe and cushioned. Enjoying the protection from the tree. Then the weather begins to change, and the leaves with it. I see the leaves hang in sadness for they know whats coming. They stay as long as they can, then catch wind and fly away. Never to stay close to the tree. The leaves are so different from the apples. Even different from the tree. Yet they are all somehow the same, a part of one another. I feel the same way about my family. I've come to some recent conclusions in my metaphorical thinking, and I don't think I want to curse my branches anymore, or my apples. They are different and I cannot change them. I would rather see them from a distance and admire them for their own unique beauty. I can change that part of my nature. I can love what I don't understand.
This holiday I will smile in acceptance. Because that is what I am celebrating this year. I've excepted my family and my world for exactly what they are. Mine ♥