Mix Tapes

I remember the first one ever given to me. It was remarkable. Filled with an amusing mix of old mushy pop punk and the occasional love song by mazzy star. I would play it every night before i fell asleep. I wanted the last thought in my head to be about the person who made me that tape. That was 13 years ago now. I still remember the feeling it gave me. So much uncertainty of love and hope. Those songs were his way of saying what he felt in his heart. I never would have imagined things to turn out his way. I was such a different girl back then. So uneducated in the art of love. So selfish and self absorbed. I believed in fairytale love. I had huge expectations. They seem so unrealistic now, so petty. I guess as i grew older my heart became much more a part of me and less like a story. My love is strong now, whole to me. I dreamed for years to someday experience real love, that all consuming love, the kind they sing about. Now I do. I don't NEED to hear the words every time i leave a room. I know it is there. I know now what I once needed constant reassurance of. I think about that mix tape now. How it started it all, how it has made my love real. He is as big a part of me now as all of my mile stones. He is my partner in life. There is not a thing about him I wouldn't miss. I find myself feeling over whelmed with joy as i think about our journey together. He was my first love and will be my last love. I am certain he is my soul mate, my mix tape maker after all these years.

As I get older

the more I realize:

I need time for refection

Friendship means the world to me

I love make up

I should eat more fruit

Driving fast should not be fun

Soda is not my friend

I hear lyrics and put my life to them

My kids grow far to quickly

It's ok to sing out loud

Tights are fashionably warm

Baths are not just to get clean

I am terribly complicated

Family is messy

Words can damage

The sun is a healer

Mushrooms and onions are not that bad

Sleep is dwindling

I try to stay young

The grass is not greener

Hugs are absolutely necessary

Worries are daily

My hands look older

Romantic movies are fiction

Drama is real

Heels hurt

Emotion comes easy

All is not lost

The woods smell wonderful

So does the beach

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

My memories are precious

The funkier i want to be

My tummy will never be the same

My mother was right about almost everything

The sound of a heartbeat is soothing

I love my dog like a child

I want to grow old

Cotton undies pwn pretty undies

I enjoy sewing

Spicy food might just kill me

Date nights are a must

I over analyze

30 is fabulous

I am loved

Blogging is therapy

My little black rain cloud

It is not really raining today. It's dark and so am I. Lately I feel like I have a cloud over my head, and nothing better to do than stomp around in a puddle of self pity. My head is full of troubles that seem so far out of my control. I can't help but dwell.
My son is struggling with school right now. He has a head full too. He is just like me in that sense. So today we spoke with his teachers and they suggest we test for a.d.d. I feel at a loss. I know this is probably what the problem is. I have it too. I spent years not caring about school. Spending days thinking in class and not accomplishing any of my work. So how do I help him when i never helped myself. I'm still a.d.d. , changing subjects mid conversation, getting excited and interrupting people when an idea enters my head, starting millions of art project just to leave them unfinished for years. I worry he will have the same unsatisfied feelings I have. I worry he will never find his strong point in life. I worry about everything. He is the smartest most hilarious kid and I hope that these tests and all this talk doesn't dampen his spirit the way it dampens mine. I've always considered myself to be a some what good problem solver. But not right now. I'm sad that he is struggling. I am sad that I cannot help him. I am even more sad that he gets this from me. I hope that unlike me he can over come this and find a way to use it to his advantage. Medication is not an option, i don't believe in it, and luckily neither do his dear teachers. He is who he is and i will never stiffel that wonderful personality. Everyone's brain works differently and his is just always working. I asked him today what he thinks about when he's not doing his classwork. He said " I think about the world, and how things are made, and where things come from." The same things i use to day dream about. The teachers did their best to reassure me that everything will be fine. They even told me to look how great I turned out. They are both so sweet. Yet my mind is not at ease, but then again my mind is never really at ease. I'm a thinker and a talker and so is my boy. Maybe he can teach me.
I'm also really sunlight deprived this month. It's a dreary shade of grey today, and I can't shake the blues. I was listening to a song earlier and i was getting metaphorical as usual. Its called "if there is a rocket tie me to it" by snow patrol. The first line in the chorus goes " a fire a fire you can only take what you can carry" It made me think about what i can carry. What truly matters most. There is no question what I'd die for. Sometimes i need that put back into perspective. The nights i stress the money and the bills are not really worth the sleep i loose over them. In the big picture it's all just paper. I'll fold it all into an origami cranes and throw them into the wind. I wish anyway. Music is so soothing right now. Funny how sounds and voices can make it all disappear. Make me disappear for just a little while. The new snow patrol is this winters soundtrack, you should really take a listen. It's a soul healer.
I know this is not my normal happy blog persona but i feel a little relieved that I've digitally spilled my heart. Maybe next blog I'll be a bit more up beat. So here's to you winter, I'm stronger than I look. And once again I'll conquer this gloomy season. With hope ~Lisa