My little black rain cloud

It is not really raining today. It's dark and so am I. Lately I feel like I have a cloud over my head, and nothing better to do than stomp around in a puddle of self pity. My head is full of troubles that seem so far out of my control. I can't help but dwell.
My son is struggling with school right now. He has a head full too. He is just like me in that sense. So today we spoke with his teachers and they suggest we test for a.d.d. I feel at a loss. I know this is probably what the problem is. I have it too. I spent years not caring about school. Spending days thinking in class and not accomplishing any of my work. So how do I help him when i never helped myself. I'm still a.d.d. , changing subjects mid conversation, getting excited and interrupting people when an idea enters my head, starting millions of art project just to leave them unfinished for years. I worry he will have the same unsatisfied feelings I have. I worry he will never find his strong point in life. I worry about everything. He is the smartest most hilarious kid and I hope that these tests and all this talk doesn't dampen his spirit the way it dampens mine. I've always considered myself to be a some what good problem solver. But not right now. I'm sad that he is struggling. I am sad that I cannot help him. I am even more sad that he gets this from me. I hope that unlike me he can over come this and find a way to use it to his advantage. Medication is not an option, i don't believe in it, and luckily neither do his dear teachers. He is who he is and i will never stiffel that wonderful personality. Everyone's brain works differently and his is just always working. I asked him today what he thinks about when he's not doing his classwork. He said " I think about the world, and how things are made, and where things come from." The same things i use to day dream about. The teachers did their best to reassure me that everything will be fine. They even told me to look how great I turned out. They are both so sweet. Yet my mind is not at ease, but then again my mind is never really at ease. I'm a thinker and a talker and so is my boy. Maybe he can teach me.
I'm also really sunlight deprived this month. It's a dreary shade of grey today, and I can't shake the blues. I was listening to a song earlier and i was getting metaphorical as usual. Its called "if there is a rocket tie me to it" by snow patrol. The first line in the chorus goes " a fire a fire you can only take what you can carry" It made me think about what i can carry. What truly matters most. There is no question what I'd die for. Sometimes i need that put back into perspective. The nights i stress the money and the bills are not really worth the sleep i loose over them. In the big picture it's all just paper. I'll fold it all into an origami cranes and throw them into the wind. I wish anyway. Music is so soothing right now. Funny how sounds and voices can make it all disappear. Make me disappear for just a little while. The new snow patrol is this winters soundtrack, you should really take a listen. It's a soul healer.
I know this is not my normal happy blog persona but i feel a little relieved that I've digitally spilled my heart. Maybe next blog I'll be a bit more up beat. So here's to you winter, I'm stronger than I look. And once again I'll conquer this gloomy season. With hope ~Lisa