Unexpected motivaton

Today i spoke with an old friend and I think it was just what I needed. I do a lot of talking in general but i feel like it doesn't hold a lot of meaning. This conversation made me move and not just speak. I have decided ( spur of the moment of course) to make a change. I am well aware of my seasonal depression and I've finally decided enough is enough. So Today i started with palates, then followed it up with some speed walking, then ate a big plate of vegis for lunch. I plan on doing the same thing tomorrow. I feel energized and hopeful for the first time in a long time. It's funny how i can get advice from the same peeps day in a and day out. But I found my motivation from an unexpected source. Everyone always asks me "whats new with you?" and I never have anything real to tell them. I am going to change that. Not next year or tomorrow, I started today! So here I go, time to make me NEW again! yay!

500 beats per minute

That is how i feel. My heart is on the fly, and it's all about a boy. My oldest son is 11 this year and it was a year of milestones to say the least. A year of change, learned sarcasms, and girlfriends! I have always thought that I was going to be the cool understanding mom when it came to having teenage boys. But I think I might have had it backwards. I was a great momma to my little boys. When I was the center of their world, it made me feel whole. I made all the plans and made all the mistakes, but it was okay, I could fix it. Now as they grow, I find myself feeling somewhat lost and scared. Not scared that they are growing and becoming self sufficient young men. That part is wonderful! I am scared because I am needed less. They are making their own plans and their own mistakes, ones I wont be asked to fix. It's a hard thing to do, Letting go, it's hard just to say. I can see how some parents might want to shorten this pain and let go quickly. Let them learn on their own. Tuff love I guess. But that is not me. I am hoping I can drag it out a bit. Teach them to fly a little before they make any big jumps from the nest. I want them to be safe and confident and ready to take on the big things that are waiting for them. But i'm having a hard time teaching through the panic i feel.

We recently had our first encounter with trust. My Oldest went on his first date to the movies. I love that he feels ready and excited for these new adventures (with girls no less). I'm sad to say that I don't' think I'm all that ready. He still seems so small to me, I still see that tiny face. I want to tell him all my thoughts and fears, but I bite my tongue. It's a fine line between loving mother and over protective psycho. So i hear. This must get easier with age. I look at my parents and my in laws and they don't sport that ever look of panic on their faces that I feel is permanently etched on mine. I'm going to have to work at this, I need to be a little stronger, for them.

I feel very lucky to have the man I have. He is very strong and is very understanding of the boys. He is doing a great job keeping me sane. I know now that he will be their confidant. He will be the one who can help fix the mistakes. That is who he is for me as well.

Maybe I will be the one they come to for softer things, like love and hugs and a shoulder to cry on. I'm good at those things. I'm not good at letting go, or letting grow in this case. Now that my babies are no longer babies what am i left to do. How do you suck it up and move on when your heart is walking away from you. I will cling to what I have for now. I still get big hugs and kisses every night before bed, and big smiles when they come home from school. So I'll let time work it's magic and see if I can get use to this feeling. Or at least make it less obvious that i'm struggling. It will be okay that i'm no longer the center of their worlds, I can help them get there themselves. I need to remember that I'm not losing. I just have to let my love grow up and out little. I'll make this a resolution for next year. To grow with my boys, even if i'm not "with" them. Wish me luck!

The Tree

Today I was inspired. Not by the sun, not by music, but by a dear family member. I have a pretty big family, especially with all the people who I have chosen to be my family. So I'm usually pretty content with sharing my thoughts and speaking my mind. That's how family works right? But lately I've been pushed out of the very big loop. I am finding avoidance in tone, and lack of normal conversation. Now I expect this from certain people, as it varies with moods. But it's led me to ponder once again. Has my need to be honest and speak my mind done more harm than good? Have I judged without right? I can't wrap my mind around it. If I hold my feelings back I torture myself. I lose sleep, obsess, and let it effect my immediate family. If i spill my guts I get cold shoulders and awkwardness. I think i need to figure out a way to delicately conceal and deliver just a tiny little package of guts. Haha... So I do less damage to both sides.
I worry that these issues might alter my views on life. I worry about the paths I will take. I wonder if those paths will lead me in other directions or just loop me around, unsatisfied and searching? I hope for a destination. A place to relax, forget time and worries. A place to grow old gracefully. I picture it by the ocean, small yet charming. A wooded yard with a garden of lavender. An old couple working side by side. Like they had for a lifetime. Content with just being together. This is my dream. My hope. I suppose it's not every ones dream though. I'd be naive to think so.
With fall coming and going, I stare at my bare apple tree. Twisted and distorted from years of weather. I like to base time off this tree. I watch out my windows and see it change. I like to think it watches me back..... Anyway, every year I watch the leaves sprout and the apples grow. Then when ready, the apples fall to the ground. Sometimes directly beneath where they grew. Some roll a bit, and others embed themselves in the soil, safe and cushioned. Enjoying the protection from the tree. Then the weather begins to change, and the leaves with it. I see the leaves hang in sadness for they know whats coming. They stay as long as they can, then catch wind and fly away. Never to stay close to the tree. The leaves are so different from the apples. Even different from the tree. Yet they are all somehow the same, a part of one another. I feel the same way about my family. I've come to some recent conclusions in my metaphorical thinking, and I don't think I want to curse my branches anymore, or my apples. They are different and I cannot change them. I would rather see them from a distance and admire them for their own unique beauty. I can change that part of my nature. I can love what I don't understand.
This holiday I will smile in acceptance. Because that is what I am celebrating this year. I've excepted my family and my world for exactly what they are. Mine ♥

I blame you

Yes you. Me! I blame myself for a lot of things. Choices I've made. People I've hurt. People I've pushed away, Where I am at right now. I know we all make mistakes, do things, that someday we eventually regret. I am aware that all of these choices, have in turn made up who I am today. but if who's to say, if i would have made better choices would I in turn, be a better me? My mind is full lately. I have stresses that wont sleep. I have this sense that time is running out. Like my time to do something amazing is gaining on me. I know I can't live my life on what ifs, but I can't help but think I should be doing so much more. I was probably doing pretty much the exact same thing at this exact time last year. I find it sad when I can't determine year from year anymore. I need motivation!

Now you are probably thinking, what could have brought on such an onset of emotion. ok your not thinking that, it is my blog you know. But I think I know what started it. I recently had to replace my printer, and the new one comes with a scanner/copier. Sweet right? yes and no. Having this new awesome gadget sent me diving head first into photo albums for memories. Now I hadn't really stopped to think, if i was in right mindset to start dreading up my past. But I went ahead anyway. After I had gotten about half way through the first album I got a knot in my stomach. I found myself looking at a different me. A me I can barely remember now, A me without hobbies, A me without decoration. A me with a completely different dream. I find that dream to be so much realer now, less optimistic. I am let down. I have let me down. I was suppose to make progress. Instead I got comfortable, I got stuck.
The worst part is all the talk. I talk about all these things I want to do, and I really do want to do them. Even though I'm terrified inside. Scared of rejection, of critics, of all in all bad reaction in general. I am far to sensitive. I sometimes think to myself, where will all of this art end up once my time is through? Maybe on some college kids wall that they picked up at a little thrift store near campus. Or will it make it's way to a distant family members basement, were it collects a thick layer of dust almost becoming unrecognizable. Or will someone along the way become a fan and go to great lengths to collect all my pieces. Maybe giving my kids enough money to buy a house... or a car at least. I don't know. I never will, but it can keep me busy contemplating it a while.
I guess what this whole blog is about, would be a promise, a promise I made to myself a long time ago. A promise I have yet to fulfill. I don't know if I will ever fulfill it. But hope is never far. It's not today, but maybe tomorrow. I'm sorry for the down beat of this one. It's rainy outside and so am I. So I'll hide this one out for now, and try not to share to much about what I am not doing.... yet. I'm thinking i need to start evolving again. Ive been in this cocoon to long.

I read this quote this morning. It made me feel a little better.

We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ~Joseph Campbell

Spring reflection

Growing up I was, for lack of a better term a Tom boy. I always held my own with the boys in the neighborhood. Being the eldest gave me an advantage with the other kids. I had a fearless attitude and appetite for stirring up trouble. I was a parents nightmare for most of my preteen years. I held all the drama and feelings of a little girl with the strength and stubbornness of a boy. I'm sure i was no picnic for my family to deal with. But as all children do, I grew up and out of some of those behaviors. Now as I inch closer and closer to my 30th birthday I find myself reflecting on life. I find comfort in picking apart details of my childhood. Putting them into perspective on why I am the way I am.
As a mother of a soon to be 11 year old, I can't help but feel remorse for what my mother has dealt with. I forgot about those two or three years when everything that came out of my mouth was in whine form. I am living this right now. My son it a prime example of a prepubescent mess. He is whiny, hungry, moody, tired, and down right just impossible right now. I can seem to do anything right for him and it is so frustrating. As a grown up drama queen you would figure I would know how to deal with a little boy drama. But alas it is a classic case of the blind leading the blind. I'm hoping we can just ride it out, and when puberty is over he will be the sweet fun loving kid I know so well. I have to keep hope. I can't let myself think, that this might just go on for the next 8 years.

It is a very selfless job being a mother, you put all of your heart into your children. No one asks you to love them, or tells you how to. It just happens and it never stops. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it can over whelm you. But it will always be there, deep down when my memories fade, I will always know this love. Regina Spektor has lyric that makes me think of my kids, it goes like this:
"This is how it works, you peer inside yourself, you take the things you like, and try to love the things you took, and then you take that love you make, and stick into some. someone elses heart pumping someone elses blood, and walking arm and arm, you hope it down get harmed, but even if it does you'll just do it all again."

I am so blessed to have what I have, 2 amazing boys and a perfect best/boyfriend. So as the weather warms and my heart swells I am thankful for what is mine. Even if my life is full of drama, bumps and bruises. It is my adventure and as the original dramatic, tough girl i grew up as, I will smile and push on. Much love and sunshine, happy spring friends.

Where i am from

This is a writing exercise. I enjoyed it due to my sheer love of mad libs. I saw the template on my awesome sis n laws blog. It's called Where I'm From and I think all of you should try it as well. It's thoughtful to think through and it's a lens for others to see a bit of where you come from.
Go here for the template.

Where i am from

I am from the dust that settles in the dusk of summer, from Kool aid stained smiles and Otter pops all day long.

I am from the big brown house on a quiet dead end street, the young girl laying in the grass trying to name the color of the sky, the smell of everyone's dinners lingering in the street.

I am from the sun rays that dance happily in the woods, the mountain in the distance watching over my shoulder, the swimming pools and burn bins on late summer days.

I am from every weekend getaways and the funnest house to play at, from my sweet mother and huggable father and loving being a Beaupre, being a family.

I am from the abrasively loud and the always lovable.

From big dreamers with empty pockets and travelers with endless story's.

I am from controversy among both Catholics and Christians. Mixed beliefs in one house hold, from convenience becoming a religion. My skepticism only grows with age.

I'm from the The Washington state fair, where only in Puyallup you get a day off school for fair day. It always made going back to school a little easier. The fried egg sandwiches that papa would spoil us with, from gg's peanut brittle that made Christmas just a little more amazing.

From days spent splashing with my brothers and sister in a three foot pool, that in our minds was pure freedom, just because we had each other. The back yard camp outs and awaking to foul dog smells. The staying up late nights with grandma just because the Olympics were on, and the "if you tell your mother" lecture she'd give when she would turn a blind eye on me just being a teenager.

I am from Olan mills photo shoots and family reunions, old base ball bats and rusty water towers, Roach clips and 80s pop music. I have been forged from all of these things. Taught to love and cherish life as it is.

There is not a thing I would change, because it all makes up me.

Ode to Dizzy

Last month everything was just fine. The weather was a chilly average of 32 degrees or so, but the house was nice and warm. Comfortable. Being covered in fur it must have been down right cozy. Dizzy laid sleepily in the corner of the couch. Curled up in a spiral like a doggy danish. She would sleep and I would clean. It was routine. I love my routines. She would raise her head and look at me every time I'd pass through the room. She made me feel safe, like she had my back. I was never alone. She was my baby, my friend.
Three weeks passed and things changed. Dizzy began getting sick and having accidents in the house. Very un-dizzy like behavior. The Vet said she had acute liver damage. We don't know what caused it. It could have been something she got into or it might of just happened. Either way she was really sick. So we did everything we could. Gave her tons of pills to boost her liver and tried to get her to eat. But alas she was loosing weight and not getting better. We had to come to the realization that we had done all we could do. So we talked... talked about letting go and saying goodbye. Talked about making grown up choices. The kind that make your heart physically hurt.
On February 16 we said goodbye to a member of our family. She was a huge part of our lives and will be missed every day. Thank you Dizzy girl for being an amazing friend. You have set the standard as the perfect dog. You will always be my girl. I love you.

Mix Tapes

I remember the first one ever given to me. It was remarkable. Filled with an amusing mix of old mushy pop punk and the occasional love song by mazzy star. I would play it every night before i fell asleep. I wanted the last thought in my head to be about the person who made me that tape. That was 13 years ago now. I still remember the feeling it gave me. So much uncertainty of love and hope. Those songs were his way of saying what he felt in his heart. I never would have imagined things to turn out his way. I was such a different girl back then. So uneducated in the art of love. So selfish and self absorbed. I believed in fairytale love. I had huge expectations. They seem so unrealistic now, so petty. I guess as i grew older my heart became much more a part of me and less like a story. My love is strong now, whole to me. I dreamed for years to someday experience real love, that all consuming love, the kind they sing about. Now I do. I don't NEED to hear the words every time i leave a room. I know it is there. I know now what I once needed constant reassurance of. I think about that mix tape now. How it started it all, how it has made my love real. He is as big a part of me now as all of my mile stones. He is my partner in life. There is not a thing about him I wouldn't miss. I find myself feeling over whelmed with joy as i think about our journey together. He was my first love and will be my last love. I am certain he is my soul mate, my mix tape maker after all these years.

As I get older

the more I realize:

I need time for refection

Friendship means the world to me

I love make up

I should eat more fruit

Driving fast should not be fun

Soda is not my friend

I hear lyrics and put my life to them

My kids grow far to quickly

It's ok to sing out loud

Tights are fashionably warm

Baths are not just to get clean

I am terribly complicated

Family is messy

Words can damage

The sun is a healer

Mushrooms and onions are not that bad

Sleep is dwindling

I try to stay young

The grass is not greener

Hugs are absolutely necessary

Worries are daily

My hands look older

Romantic movies are fiction

Drama is real

Heels hurt

Emotion comes easy

All is not lost

The woods smell wonderful

So does the beach

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

My memories are precious

The funkier i want to be

My tummy will never be the same

My mother was right about almost everything

The sound of a heartbeat is soothing

I love my dog like a child

I want to grow old

Cotton undies pwn pretty undies

I enjoy sewing

Spicy food might just kill me

Date nights are a must

I over analyze

30 is fabulous

I am loved

Blogging is therapy

My little black rain cloud

It is not really raining today. It's dark and so am I. Lately I feel like I have a cloud over my head, and nothing better to do than stomp around in a puddle of self pity. My head is full of troubles that seem so far out of my control. I can't help but dwell.
My son is struggling with school right now. He has a head full too. He is just like me in that sense. So today we spoke with his teachers and they suggest we test for a.d.d. I feel at a loss. I know this is probably what the problem is. I have it too. I spent years not caring about school. Spending days thinking in class and not accomplishing any of my work. So how do I help him when i never helped myself. I'm still a.d.d. , changing subjects mid conversation, getting excited and interrupting people when an idea enters my head, starting millions of art project just to leave them unfinished for years. I worry he will have the same unsatisfied feelings I have. I worry he will never find his strong point in life. I worry about everything. He is the smartest most hilarious kid and I hope that these tests and all this talk doesn't dampen his spirit the way it dampens mine. I've always considered myself to be a some what good problem solver. But not right now. I'm sad that he is struggling. I am sad that I cannot help him. I am even more sad that he gets this from me. I hope that unlike me he can over come this and find a way to use it to his advantage. Medication is not an option, i don't believe in it, and luckily neither do his dear teachers. He is who he is and i will never stiffel that wonderful personality. Everyone's brain works differently and his is just always working. I asked him today what he thinks about when he's not doing his classwork. He said " I think about the world, and how things are made, and where things come from." The same things i use to day dream about. The teachers did their best to reassure me that everything will be fine. They even told me to look how great I turned out. They are both so sweet. Yet my mind is not at ease, but then again my mind is never really at ease. I'm a thinker and a talker and so is my boy. Maybe he can teach me.
I'm also really sunlight deprived this month. It's a dreary shade of grey today, and I can't shake the blues. I was listening to a song earlier and i was getting metaphorical as usual. Its called "if there is a rocket tie me to it" by snow patrol. The first line in the chorus goes " a fire a fire you can only take what you can carry" It made me think about what i can carry. What truly matters most. There is no question what I'd die for. Sometimes i need that put back into perspective. The nights i stress the money and the bills are not really worth the sleep i loose over them. In the big picture it's all just paper. I'll fold it all into an origami cranes and throw them into the wind. I wish anyway. Music is so soothing right now. Funny how sounds and voices can make it all disappear. Make me disappear for just a little while. The new snow patrol is this winters soundtrack, you should really take a listen. It's a soul healer.
I know this is not my normal happy blog persona but i feel a little relieved that I've digitally spilled my heart. Maybe next blog I'll be a bit more up beat. So here's to you winter, I'm stronger than I look. And once again I'll conquer this gloomy season. With hope ~Lisa