A garden state day

   "All these squawking birds won't quit!" ~the shins.... This is my day. I'm struggling to keep my upbeat outlook on life floating. I've been in a mood lately, or so my guys tell me. The change I am looking for is not coming quickly enough for my liking. I keep wondering how I can speed up my changes but the universe seems to slow me right back down again. Maybe it's trying to tell me i'm missing something. Maybe I need to stop and look around a bit.
  I love the part in the movie garden state when they go to get the necklace from that guy that lives next to the infinite abyss. They live in a tiny cozy home and he is the keeper of that infinite abyss and is happy, very happy. Maybe this is me? My mind being my infinite abyss, so to speak. I may never get to the bottom of things but I can still be happy. Excepting my imperfection, just the way it is. If I change to much, if i fill up my abyss with things I try to be. Will I bury myself with change?  Something is telling me to slow it all down. I hope I have an ending like garden state. A frustrated scream followed by a kiss in the rain and then the realization I can have what i want and everything will be fine. Ah well.

A smidge of hope

   March has been an adventure of a month for me this year. I'm out to change all of the things I disliked about myself. It was a lengthy list if you get my drift. So i begun with my mind and worked my way to my body. I've always felt a little lost in my own head. As if my thoughts process wasn't a process at all, instead it played a lot of hopscotch. I needed to find a goal for my thoughts. Something to work toward.
   While on my quest for inner peace, I found myself judging my relationships. I was determining what they were giving me and what i gave in return. Little did i know I was sure to find heartbreak. See some of the people in my inner circle were not quite what I needed them to be, and same goes for what I was giving them. I had hopes for these relationship but not heart. It's hard to be a genuine friend when you are hoping that friend will change. I gave many a chances and ended up feeling bad A LOT! So part of my new process was to be honest. Really honest about everything. I know I hurt feelings but it was I needed to do to settle my restless mind. That honesty got me changing rapidly.
    My next bout of change was something a little more difficult. It required work! I use to be a very athletic girl in my younger years, but after domestication I was heavy. I wanted my body to feel like my head. It needed a goal too. So i begun my training to become a runner, and who would have thought  that I would love it so much. I've recently ran my farthest distance yet, 5 miles! It was a proud moment for me. I've never felt so strong, so under control, and so motivated.
   As this month comes to and end i find myself smiling a lot. I feel as if my body and mind are finally on the same track. I'm a calmer person now and it's all due to a smidge of hope. I hoped i could change, and I've gotten myself far in the little month of march. I can't wait to see what I can accomplish now. The world is at my feet, and I'm running forward as fast as I can!

A birthday

Today is a soft spot on my patchwork heart. It's the birthday of a great love, Dennis. It's always been my style to get over my past as soon as possible, but I'm finding myself taking comfort in remembrance now a days. See Dennis died 8 years ago in the spring, so with the growth of everything around me my heart is always heavy this time of year. He was such a great guy, a great husband. He had a smile that you couldn't help but smile back at. He was a joyous person and had a way of making you feel adored. I love him dearly and always will. He taught me so much about myself. He taught me to grow up, and become a strong woman, Without him. It was what I needed in order to raise my boys, his boy. I spent a long time regretting some of the decisions I had made in those times. I like to think he would understand and be proud of who I've become. So this year on his Birthday I'm making a mens. I am going to stop regretting and enjoy my memories of him. He is part of me and worth celebrating.  Happy Birthday Babe!

Run!

I have been..and I'm liking it. Whats not to like? Besides: side-aches, sweatiness, and breathlessness. But I'm liking: the wind in my face, the sounds of the woods, and the air in my lungs! Nature is calling and I want to run to her :)

Me

Younger me: 

never wanted kids

was always in a rush

had low self esteem

 was in a hurry to be on her own

had little self respect

wanted calm but got chaos

thought little of the future

thought things just worked out

always wanted to socialize

wasted my beauty

was a fan of phases

took my grandparents for granted

Older me:

loves that I had kids

misses the people who loved me most

craves nature

can't ride dizzy rides anymore

slowly forgets my child mind

still likes toys

needs reassurance sometimes

is more scared than ever

has dogs of my own

is fashion trendy

wants others to be calm

makes art

is okay being me.