Secrets

So I have one. It's not really mine but i keep it. I must admit I'm struggling with it. When is it ok to tell a secret? I've been pondering this for a few days. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a trust worthy person. But if no one tells you the secret do you put it in the same category as a normal secret. I don't think this secret would harm anyone. Maybe just me for telling it. But at the same time certain people deserve to know. It's not fair to not tell. I feel like i'm in the halls of my jr high school. Scared of loosing a friend. Or the kid across the table in kindergarten watching someone chop their hair off. But in this case it's family. I'm silently standing by watching someone i love keep a secret. Now i understand why it's kept quiet. But as an older wiser person I feel like it's a big deal. If no one knows i know will it slowly kill me. It feels this way. Have you ever seen that skit on Saturday night live? The one with Sue, she try's so hard not to tell a secret then blurts out bits and pieces before spilling it as she smashes herself in the head with something. It's hilarious. I'm sue right now. Every time the phone rings i feel my teeth clench down on my tongue. I'm completely torn. Do i tell the secret holder that i know? Would that release the tension or just redirect it? For now i keep it close in hopes I don't let it hurt anyone but me. Wish me luck in keeping my big yap shut. I heard a song once by a band named the pierces. It goes like this:

I've got secret can you keep it, swear this one you'll save. Better lock it in your pocket taking this one to the grave. If i show you then i know you won't tell what i said, cause two can keep a secret if one of them is dead....

My sentiments exactly

Half empty

Dirt. I feel like it. Soft, gritty, and constantly breaking down. Looking out my window this morning i get an over whelming feeling of blankness. Rain soaked ground, leaves decomposing, and a greyness where there once was blue. This is the season i dread. Fall turning to winter. The slow death of the sun, and my landscape. I can't help it, watching all those things I took photos of for months upon months up and die. It can make even the most upbeat person gloomy. It's also the time of year i break out my lil gnome hat and hibernate. I put off normalcy's like shopping and errands and i sit somewhat contently in my cozy home with my sleeping dog. Spending my days gazing out the windows sighing at the gloom. So this year I'm trying to devote more time to being creative. I can paint a sun! Yet I find myself veering more towards a darker inspiration. Crows. Noisy, dirty, scavengers. Yet when you look real close they are a beautiful bird. Imagine never having seen a crow. We have healthy ones in my yard. Big glossy black birds with personality's yelling at each other from tree to tree. I don't know, maybe it's just me, I like them.
In other bird news I will continue my hunt for the perfect bird necklace whether it be a sparrow or a crow I remain undecided. I hope the sun comes out today, I need sunlight to wash the gloom from my face. :( this sad face just doesn't do it justice.

Fall

Pros of fall...

Scarves. tons of them. In bright colors and big sloppy knots.

Colors of leafs. red, orange yellow and brown. They remind me of an Afghan my g-ma made in the 70's It was beautiful.

Crisp cool air. I love living on the Puget sound. I'm a big fan of cool climates.

The light. The sun is lower in the sky and it shimmers through the trees. As an artist It's pure inspiration.

Pea Coats. I love coats and boots.

School. The boys are back in it and I have to admit it's blissful.

Harvesting. Home grown food is the best thing in the world. Yeah i'm a hippy. so what?

Halloween. My favorite holiday. I'm looking forward to throwing an actual Halloween party for the first time this year.

Bugs. They are everywhere right now all wanting their pictures taken.

Coziness. Time for blankets and cuddling.



Cons of Fall...

Slugs. they are everywhere. Little slimy road kill all over. They are fine in small doses but nasty in masses.

Colds. They are the worst part of going back to school. If i don't have one now check back tomorrow.

Mud. Dirty dog feet are a bummer.

Lock down. Putting my patio furniture away and watching my plants die back is enough to bring me to tears.

Alarm clocks. If you like yours you are crazy.

Heaters. They stink and dry out my sinuses. I miss the warmth of sun already.

Winter. Knowing that it's right around the corner.

Flip flops. See you next year. I will miss you more than you know!

Cleaning. Closing all windows and doors make it feel dirty. I can't seem to get it clean enough lately.

Socks. I have never been a fan of socks. I'm not sure why.



Here a few of my recent photos. Fall related.

Lisa... The Entertianer!

Ahhh... So far this summer has been amazing. We have had the luxury to get to spend some really great family time together. Deane has weekends off for the the first summer ever and has been able to enjoy a lot with us. Having him home is a huge relief to me. Dealing with two growing men can trying. But this year i have found a loop hole. My goal is to keep them busy, so busy that they forget to fight/thrash/destroy. They both have gotten so big that the plain old hang around the house all day thing just doesn't work, and for my boys boredom equals trouble! So for the months of july and august i dub myself "Lisa the entertainer"! I am making this summer great! I awake in the morning with plans in my head and things to get done. It takes some planning to be a great entertainer.

There is the comedic aspect. Yesterday I had the masses rolling laughing. Simply by calling my dear sweet dog Dizzy " My pretty precious poopy patty" In an English accent of course. This is what it has come to, jokes about poo? With two soon to be preteen boys, Yes.

Then we have the professional chef detail. I have givin my children the run of the kitchen (boundary's are in place) I am letting them shop for themselves, pick out what they want to eat and make it. With any needed safety assistance of course. They are really enjoying the creativity part of it, and the power of salt. haha

Sometimes a referee can be needed. With any brothers there will always be scuffles. Well more along the lines of " I'm going to argue every little thing that comes out of your mouth" type things than scuffles. But they are pretty good about not holding grudges.

Party mom is rocking the block. Ok maybe not the block, but the back yard for sure. I'm always around quick to provide them with good tunes and endless otter pops. It's how i roll. Me and i think the pool helps. We found and quickly purchased an amazing mini pool. Seriously it is the cutest thing ever, and it keeps the boys busy for hours on end. It's my lil blue life saver!

After hours hostess. Summer is prime time for late nights. I am a natural born insomniac. So i enjoy having the company after my very sleepy hubby dozes off. Cylis my oldest is my late owl, we spend hours watching AFV reruns, covering our mouths to laugh quietly. It will be one of my teary old lady memory's someday :)

So to sum it all up this summer has been a hoot, despite a bad hair cut, mosquitoes bites on my feet, and the occasional over stimulated, over sugared, all out over summered kids. I love my life and the people in it. Much love and a great tan ~Lisa

Roaming gnomes

Today was full of preparation again. I'm preparing for another weekend of travel and exploration! We are heading to the coast for my b-day/father's day/last week of school celebration. Deane's plan, and it was a great one. But like any over night adventure preparations must be made. Extra socks, dog beds, favorite pillows, games, cameras, and everything else needed to maintain my 3 rowdy boys (and the diz of course) for days of fun. So mom gets the job of remembering everything. If it was up to dad we'd be in the dirt. It takes a lot to create these memory making family adventures. But I am willing and good at it and I know it's worth it. Just to leave it all behind for a while, a chance to press pause on the everyday grind. To turn off the PC (it rarely happens), leave the cell phones at home, and not play any video games for days on end. To enjoy each others voices and humor without distraction.
I love it now and I loved it when i was little. My parents took us every where and all the time. I could usually count on at least one day a weekend the whole family would do something fun. We would rarely stay longer than a night any where, but with four kids that's understandable. I love that my guys like to go as much as I do. They can still appreciate nature along with the technology. I think we have a good balance right now. We are equally having a blast together. Well maybe not Dizzy she is still a bit of a baby. But I have to admit she is getting braver by the trip. She will get there.
This one will be a new one for all of us. This is the first summer we have all had bikes, and I hope I'm not the first one to crash and burn. Wish me luck, I'm going to have crazy kids to keep up with, and i'm not known for my gracefulness. They ride bikes everyday, I ride mine once a week. It should be fun though. I'm excited. I guess 29 isn't so bad, at least I'm not 30 yet!

Haha I love you all my 30 and over friends, I'm being optimistic!

Much love everyone. ~lisa and crew

I've spilled

No real reason, no real rhyme, just thoughts i need to spill.

Me regardless the size, I am not that fat right now. yet i feel like I'll never reach that goal weight. It took 5 years to steadily gain back the weight i lost. Can i lose it now in 2 months? I am beginning to see the a difference in my body. But I will never be a 110 pound girl. I am me even if I'm fluffy. I'm not looking forward to bathing suit season. I am looking forward to a nice dark tan though. I use to love my body. I now hate my clothes. Why the sudden lapse in self esteem? The sun maybe. I've got a crush on it and i want to look good in it.

I turn 29 in two weeks. 29 jeez I'm getting old. I feel achy today. I never ached when i was 19. what happens at 39? I am terrified of getting cancer. I procrastinate important things. Cylis will be 10 in a month and I'm pondering life again. What have i done with it? This summer is a mile stone. I am running out of reasons to be home. I'm anxious to see what is in store for me. What will I make happen?

I'm a hermit. Rearranging in her home all day long. Better things to do? Yes i'm sure. Therapy is easily achieved through the movement of couches. I feel better. Sleepless body restless mind. Realization that i will not be included. Pictures will go un taken. Words will go unsaid. I am not at fault this time. Yet i am punished. I crave to drive somewhere far. Escape. Little parts of me want to cry. I've tried everything else. When do you start to feel grown up? Is that when it becomes no fun anymore?

Selfish? self absorbed? self centered? in love with myself? selfless? whole self? self contained? self worth? I've lost myself again. I'm searching for myself. Have you seen me? Someone knows me. He knows me. But what me? The me 10 years ago or the me now. The me now is better i think. more seasoned. Calm. He is my rock, he makes it ok. It works it's self out. It always does. I have love. Love is amazing.

The things i do?

Sometimes my routine can get ahead of me. As in any household, chores must be done. It is a must or its disgust lol... yeah i know ;) The three loves of my life are all men, and well as men go they really are not that bad. They are just forgetful boys that don't have the same desire to cleanse as i do. My other love is my dog ( The Diz) who on the bright side is probably cleaner than the boys. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good cleaning every now and then but the day to day can get a bit tedious.
Laundry for instance. I fold my laundry on my bed. Where else could you sit and fold 14 loads of clothes comfortably, and organized? But i do this thing, I fold it through out the day making a city of laundry buildings that reach toward the sky, transforming my bed into a folded city of sorts. If you have been to my home you have probably witnessed this. Now I don't like it, but it has to be done. It's just how I'm programed i guess. So i put all this time into organizing it perfectly, then come bed time i carefully take my nicely stacked piles and move them to the floor, just to be picked up the following morning for the cycle to start all over again. Rinse, repeat!
This is my life. Sometimes i feel like I'm stuck in the movie ground hog day, where i just keep living the same day over and over again. Folding the same shirts everyday, hanging the same towels, washing those same dishes. Who am i kidding? I don't wash dishes :) Haha But as i was saying, running a household can get old. I find myself asking myself WHY? Why do i spend these hours cleaning and organizing? Is it for me? Partially yes. I love having a clean house, but i think it's for them as well. I grew up in a clean home, Ok a really clean home. My mom woke up before everyone in the house and would dust and vacuum. So we would just awake to it like magic! Now I am defiantly not my mom. I am a more slack version I'd say, clean but not obsessive... anymore.
I have convinced myself that i am setting a good example. That they will grow into cleanly young men that won't disgust their future wives. Or at least will be appreciative of some good solid cleaning. My hubby loves a clean home too. That is why we try to have one cleaning day a weekend, just so come Monday my spirit isn't crushed when i wake up to the messes that the weekend brings. They say cleanliness is next to godliness. I don't know about how godly i feel but my house and yard are clean and it makes me happy. Spring cleaning is the best.