Ode to Dizzy

Last month everything was just fine. The weather was a chilly average of 32 degrees or so, but the house was nice and warm. Comfortable. Being covered in fur it must have been down right cozy. Dizzy laid sleepily in the corner of the couch. Curled up in a spiral like a doggy danish. She would sleep and I would clean. It was routine. I love my routines. She would raise her head and look at me every time I'd pass through the room. She made me feel safe, like she had my back. I was never alone. She was my baby, my friend.
Three weeks passed and things changed. Dizzy began getting sick and having accidents in the house. Very un-dizzy like behavior. The Vet said she had acute liver damage. We don't know what caused it. It could have been something she got into or it might of just happened. Either way she was really sick. So we did everything we could. Gave her tons of pills to boost her liver and tried to get her to eat. But alas she was loosing weight and not getting better. We had to come to the realization that we had done all we could do. So we talked... talked about letting go and saying goodbye. Talked about making grown up choices. The kind that make your heart physically hurt.
On February 16 we said goodbye to a member of our family. She was a huge part of our lives and will be missed every day. Thank you Dizzy girl for being an amazing friend. You have set the standard as the perfect dog. You will always be my girl. I love you.

Mix Tapes

I remember the first one ever given to me. It was remarkable. Filled with an amusing mix of old mushy pop punk and the occasional love song by mazzy star. I would play it every night before i fell asleep. I wanted the last thought in my head to be about the person who made me that tape. That was 13 years ago now. I still remember the feeling it gave me. So much uncertainty of love and hope. Those songs were his way of saying what he felt in his heart. I never would have imagined things to turn out his way. I was such a different girl back then. So uneducated in the art of love. So selfish and self absorbed. I believed in fairytale love. I had huge expectations. They seem so unrealistic now, so petty. I guess as i grew older my heart became much more a part of me and less like a story. My love is strong now, whole to me. I dreamed for years to someday experience real love, that all consuming love, the kind they sing about. Now I do. I don't NEED to hear the words every time i leave a room. I know it is there. I know now what I once needed constant reassurance of. I think about that mix tape now. How it started it all, how it has made my love real. He is as big a part of me now as all of my mile stones. He is my partner in life. There is not a thing about him I wouldn't miss. I find myself feeling over whelmed with joy as i think about our journey together. He was my first love and will be my last love. I am certain he is my soul mate, my mix tape maker after all these years.

As I get older

the more I realize:

I need time for refection

Friendship means the world to me

I love make up

I should eat more fruit

Driving fast should not be fun

Soda is not my friend

I hear lyrics and put my life to them

My kids grow far to quickly

It's ok to sing out loud

Tights are fashionably warm

Baths are not just to get clean

I am terribly complicated

Family is messy

Words can damage

The sun is a healer

Mushrooms and onions are not that bad

Sleep is dwindling

I try to stay young

The grass is not greener

Hugs are absolutely necessary

Worries are daily

My hands look older

Romantic movies are fiction

Drama is real

Heels hurt

Emotion comes easy

All is not lost

The woods smell wonderful

So does the beach

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

My memories are precious

The funkier i want to be

My tummy will never be the same

My mother was right about almost everything

The sound of a heartbeat is soothing

I love my dog like a child

I want to grow old

Cotton undies pwn pretty undies

I enjoy sewing

Spicy food might just kill me

Date nights are a must

I over analyze

30 is fabulous

I am loved

Blogging is therapy

My little black rain cloud

It is not really raining today. It's dark and so am I. Lately I feel like I have a cloud over my head, and nothing better to do than stomp around in a puddle of self pity. My head is full of troubles that seem so far out of my control. I can't help but dwell.
My son is struggling with school right now. He has a head full too. He is just like me in that sense. So today we spoke with his teachers and they suggest we test for a.d.d. I feel at a loss. I know this is probably what the problem is. I have it too. I spent years not caring about school. Spending days thinking in class and not accomplishing any of my work. So how do I help him when i never helped myself. I'm still a.d.d. , changing subjects mid conversation, getting excited and interrupting people when an idea enters my head, starting millions of art project just to leave them unfinished for years. I worry he will have the same unsatisfied feelings I have. I worry he will never find his strong point in life. I worry about everything. He is the smartest most hilarious kid and I hope that these tests and all this talk doesn't dampen his spirit the way it dampens mine. I've always considered myself to be a some what good problem solver. But not right now. I'm sad that he is struggling. I am sad that I cannot help him. I am even more sad that he gets this from me. I hope that unlike me he can over come this and find a way to use it to his advantage. Medication is not an option, i don't believe in it, and luckily neither do his dear teachers. He is who he is and i will never stiffel that wonderful personality. Everyone's brain works differently and his is just always working. I asked him today what he thinks about when he's not doing his classwork. He said " I think about the world, and how things are made, and where things come from." The same things i use to day dream about. The teachers did their best to reassure me that everything will be fine. They even told me to look how great I turned out. They are both so sweet. Yet my mind is not at ease, but then again my mind is never really at ease. I'm a thinker and a talker and so is my boy. Maybe he can teach me.
I'm also really sunlight deprived this month. It's a dreary shade of grey today, and I can't shake the blues. I was listening to a song earlier and i was getting metaphorical as usual. Its called "if there is a rocket tie me to it" by snow patrol. The first line in the chorus goes " a fire a fire you can only take what you can carry" It made me think about what i can carry. What truly matters most. There is no question what I'd die for. Sometimes i need that put back into perspective. The nights i stress the money and the bills are not really worth the sleep i loose over them. In the big picture it's all just paper. I'll fold it all into an origami cranes and throw them into the wind. I wish anyway. Music is so soothing right now. Funny how sounds and voices can make it all disappear. Make me disappear for just a little while. The new snow patrol is this winters soundtrack, you should really take a listen. It's a soul healer.
I know this is not my normal happy blog persona but i feel a little relieved that I've digitally spilled my heart. Maybe next blog I'll be a bit more up beat. So here's to you winter, I'm stronger than I look. And once again I'll conquer this gloomy season. With hope ~Lisa

Warm hearts & Cold noses

I just poked my head out our back door and much to my surprise there is almost a foot of snow. Now I have lived in Washington almost my whole life and have never seen this much snow, at home anyway. Its amazing and so beautiful. I just love it. The dog has no idea what to do with herself. She runs outside and screeches to a halt as she hits the chill in the air. Does a high step and heads right back for the door. The boys on the other hand don't mind the cold one bit, when it first started snowing my youngest ran out on the deck in his boxers yelling in excitement "ITS SNOWING". It makes me remember how happy i was to see snow at that age. Living here has given us a great appreciation for little things like snow, or summer days that reach over 100 degrees, both rarely happen. So we are thoroughly enjoying our snowy holiday break. Granted it's a little scary to drive anywhere. But they say it's healthy to speed up your heart rate every now and then right? So along with the sheer beauty of it all, I'm finding myself having so much fun. We have been sledding, and crashing, and laughing loudly with great friends. Taking heart racing shopping trips just to get out into the bustle of winter. I was worried this winter was going to be a rough one. Due to the economy, lack of family, and just saying bye to the sun is enough to bring me to tears. But not this winter, it's not so bad. This winter is special somehow. I think I'm keeping warm because my heart is so full of love. Great new friendships and long talks with family, are keeping my spirits high and my hopes big. I just keep thinking "this is a good day in the adventure that is mine" Wishing all of you out there a happy healthy holiday. I hope your winter adventures bring you a warm heart. The snow will melt but the memory's are forever. Jeez I'm a port wine cheese ball tonight :) Love love Lisa

Calm after the storm

I like to think of my moods in seasons. Warm soft smiles in the sunshine of spring. Simmering sighs in the heat of the summer. Chills of laughter in the beauty of fall. Cold wet shivers in the frost of winter. I feed off the sun most of the year. Now that it's cold i find myself looking for inspiration in other means. Family is a big one right now. We just had a bustling thanksgiving, full of laughter, food, and hugs from long lost relatives. It was a joyous holiday, one to remember. But now that the food has been eaten and goodbyes have been said. I find myself feeling lost again. You know the phrase the calm before the storm? Well I'm stuck in the calm after the storm. It's quiet now, too quiet. I use to think all I ever wanted was to escape the dramas of family life, but now i find myself bored and lonely without it. I miss the sounds, the smells, and the warmth of people who love me around me. The feel of togetherness you get on the holidays. I want it all the time. Christmas couldn't come soon enough. I am full of spirit this year. I'm so thankful for my sweet family whether it be my friends or my love or even my neighbors. You are part of my spirit. You are inspiration to me. Love love!

Secrets

So I have one. It's not really mine but i keep it. I must admit I'm struggling with it. When is it ok to tell a secret? I've been pondering this for a few days. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a trust worthy person. But if no one tells you the secret do you put it in the same category as a normal secret. I don't think this secret would harm anyone. Maybe just me for telling it. But at the same time certain people deserve to know. It's not fair to not tell. I feel like i'm in the halls of my jr high school. Scared of loosing a friend. Or the kid across the table in kindergarten watching someone chop their hair off. But in this case it's family. I'm silently standing by watching someone i love keep a secret. Now i understand why it's kept quiet. But as an older wiser person I feel like it's a big deal. If no one knows i know will it slowly kill me. It feels this way. Have you ever seen that skit on Saturday night live? The one with Sue, she try's so hard not to tell a secret then blurts out bits and pieces before spilling it as she smashes herself in the head with something. It's hilarious. I'm sue right now. Every time the phone rings i feel my teeth clench down on my tongue. I'm completely torn. Do i tell the secret holder that i know? Would that release the tension or just redirect it? For now i keep it close in hopes I don't let it hurt anyone but me. Wish me luck in keeping my big yap shut. I heard a song once by a band named the pierces. It goes like this:

I've got secret can you keep it, swear this one you'll save. Better lock it in your pocket taking this one to the grave. If i show you then i know you won't tell what i said, cause two can keep a secret if one of them is dead....

My sentiments exactly