Warm hearts & Cold noses

I just poked my head out our back door and much to my surprise there is almost a foot of snow. Now I have lived in Washington almost my whole life and have never seen this much snow, at home anyway. Its amazing and so beautiful. I just love it. The dog has no idea what to do with herself. She runs outside and screeches to a halt as she hits the chill in the air. Does a high step and heads right back for the door. The boys on the other hand don't mind the cold one bit, when it first started snowing my youngest ran out on the deck in his boxers yelling in excitement "ITS SNOWING". It makes me remember how happy i was to see snow at that age. Living here has given us a great appreciation for little things like snow, or summer days that reach over 100 degrees, both rarely happen. So we are thoroughly enjoying our snowy holiday break. Granted it's a little scary to drive anywhere. But they say it's healthy to speed up your heart rate every now and then right? So along with the sheer beauty of it all, I'm finding myself having so much fun. We have been sledding, and crashing, and laughing loudly with great friends. Taking heart racing shopping trips just to get out into the bustle of winter. I was worried this winter was going to be a rough one. Due to the economy, lack of family, and just saying bye to the sun is enough to bring me to tears. But not this winter, it's not so bad. This winter is special somehow. I think I'm keeping warm because my heart is so full of love. Great new friendships and long talks with family, are keeping my spirits high and my hopes big. I just keep thinking "this is a good day in the adventure that is mine" Wishing all of you out there a happy healthy holiday. I hope your winter adventures bring you a warm heart. The snow will melt but the memory's are forever. Jeez I'm a port wine cheese ball tonight :) Love love Lisa

Calm after the storm

I like to think of my moods in seasons. Warm soft smiles in the sunshine of spring. Simmering sighs in the heat of the summer. Chills of laughter in the beauty of fall. Cold wet shivers in the frost of winter. I feed off the sun most of the year. Now that it's cold i find myself looking for inspiration in other means. Family is a big one right now. We just had a bustling thanksgiving, full of laughter, food, and hugs from long lost relatives. It was a joyous holiday, one to remember. But now that the food has been eaten and goodbyes have been said. I find myself feeling lost again. You know the phrase the calm before the storm? Well I'm stuck in the calm after the storm. It's quiet now, too quiet. I use to think all I ever wanted was to escape the dramas of family life, but now i find myself bored and lonely without it. I miss the sounds, the smells, and the warmth of people who love me around me. The feel of togetherness you get on the holidays. I want it all the time. Christmas couldn't come soon enough. I am full of spirit this year. I'm so thankful for my sweet family whether it be my friends or my love or even my neighbors. You are part of my spirit. You are inspiration to me. Love love!

Secrets

So I have one. It's not really mine but i keep it. I must admit I'm struggling with it. When is it ok to tell a secret? I've been pondering this for a few days. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a trust worthy person. But if no one tells you the secret do you put it in the same category as a normal secret. I don't think this secret would harm anyone. Maybe just me for telling it. But at the same time certain people deserve to know. It's not fair to not tell. I feel like i'm in the halls of my jr high school. Scared of loosing a friend. Or the kid across the table in kindergarten watching someone chop their hair off. But in this case it's family. I'm silently standing by watching someone i love keep a secret. Now i understand why it's kept quiet. But as an older wiser person I feel like it's a big deal. If no one knows i know will it slowly kill me. It feels this way. Have you ever seen that skit on Saturday night live? The one with Sue, she try's so hard not to tell a secret then blurts out bits and pieces before spilling it as she smashes herself in the head with something. It's hilarious. I'm sue right now. Every time the phone rings i feel my teeth clench down on my tongue. I'm completely torn. Do i tell the secret holder that i know? Would that release the tension or just redirect it? For now i keep it close in hopes I don't let it hurt anyone but me. Wish me luck in keeping my big yap shut. I heard a song once by a band named the pierces. It goes like this:

I've got secret can you keep it, swear this one you'll save. Better lock it in your pocket taking this one to the grave. If i show you then i know you won't tell what i said, cause two can keep a secret if one of them is dead....

My sentiments exactly

Half empty

Dirt. I feel like it. Soft, gritty, and constantly breaking down. Looking out my window this morning i get an over whelming feeling of blankness. Rain soaked ground, leaves decomposing, and a greyness where there once was blue. This is the season i dread. Fall turning to winter. The slow death of the sun, and my landscape. I can't help it, watching all those things I took photos of for months upon months up and die. It can make even the most upbeat person gloomy. It's also the time of year i break out my lil gnome hat and hibernate. I put off normalcy's like shopping and errands and i sit somewhat contently in my cozy home with my sleeping dog. Spending my days gazing out the windows sighing at the gloom. So this year I'm trying to devote more time to being creative. I can paint a sun! Yet I find myself veering more towards a darker inspiration. Crows. Noisy, dirty, scavengers. Yet when you look real close they are a beautiful bird. Imagine never having seen a crow. We have healthy ones in my yard. Big glossy black birds with personality's yelling at each other from tree to tree. I don't know, maybe it's just me, I like them.
In other bird news I will continue my hunt for the perfect bird necklace whether it be a sparrow or a crow I remain undecided. I hope the sun comes out today, I need sunlight to wash the gloom from my face. :( this sad face just doesn't do it justice.

Fall

Pros of fall...

Scarves. tons of them. In bright colors and big sloppy knots.

Colors of leafs. red, orange yellow and brown. They remind me of an Afghan my g-ma made in the 70's It was beautiful.

Crisp cool air. I love living on the Puget sound. I'm a big fan of cool climates.

The light. The sun is lower in the sky and it shimmers through the trees. As an artist It's pure inspiration.

Pea Coats. I love coats and boots.

School. The boys are back in it and I have to admit it's blissful.

Harvesting. Home grown food is the best thing in the world. Yeah i'm a hippy. so what?

Halloween. My favorite holiday. I'm looking forward to throwing an actual Halloween party for the first time this year.

Bugs. They are everywhere right now all wanting their pictures taken.

Coziness. Time for blankets and cuddling.



Cons of Fall...

Slugs. they are everywhere. Little slimy road kill all over. They are fine in small doses but nasty in masses.

Colds. They are the worst part of going back to school. If i don't have one now check back tomorrow.

Mud. Dirty dog feet are a bummer.

Lock down. Putting my patio furniture away and watching my plants die back is enough to bring me to tears.

Alarm clocks. If you like yours you are crazy.

Heaters. They stink and dry out my sinuses. I miss the warmth of sun already.

Winter. Knowing that it's right around the corner.

Flip flops. See you next year. I will miss you more than you know!

Cleaning. Closing all windows and doors make it feel dirty. I can't seem to get it clean enough lately.

Socks. I have never been a fan of socks. I'm not sure why.



Here a few of my recent photos. Fall related.

Lisa... The Entertianer!

Ahhh... So far this summer has been amazing. We have had the luxury to get to spend some really great family time together. Deane has weekends off for the the first summer ever and has been able to enjoy a lot with us. Having him home is a huge relief to me. Dealing with two growing men can trying. But this year i have found a loop hole. My goal is to keep them busy, so busy that they forget to fight/thrash/destroy. They both have gotten so big that the plain old hang around the house all day thing just doesn't work, and for my boys boredom equals trouble! So for the months of july and august i dub myself "Lisa the entertainer"! I am making this summer great! I awake in the morning with plans in my head and things to get done. It takes some planning to be a great entertainer.

There is the comedic aspect. Yesterday I had the masses rolling laughing. Simply by calling my dear sweet dog Dizzy " My pretty precious poopy patty" In an English accent of course. This is what it has come to, jokes about poo? With two soon to be preteen boys, Yes.

Then we have the professional chef detail. I have givin my children the run of the kitchen (boundary's are in place) I am letting them shop for themselves, pick out what they want to eat and make it. With any needed safety assistance of course. They are really enjoying the creativity part of it, and the power of salt. haha

Sometimes a referee can be needed. With any brothers there will always be scuffles. Well more along the lines of " I'm going to argue every little thing that comes out of your mouth" type things than scuffles. But they are pretty good about not holding grudges.

Party mom is rocking the block. Ok maybe not the block, but the back yard for sure. I'm always around quick to provide them with good tunes and endless otter pops. It's how i roll. Me and i think the pool helps. We found and quickly purchased an amazing mini pool. Seriously it is the cutest thing ever, and it keeps the boys busy for hours on end. It's my lil blue life saver!

After hours hostess. Summer is prime time for late nights. I am a natural born insomniac. So i enjoy having the company after my very sleepy hubby dozes off. Cylis my oldest is my late owl, we spend hours watching AFV reruns, covering our mouths to laugh quietly. It will be one of my teary old lady memory's someday :)

So to sum it all up this summer has been a hoot, despite a bad hair cut, mosquitoes bites on my feet, and the occasional over stimulated, over sugared, all out over summered kids. I love my life and the people in it. Much love and a great tan ~Lisa

Roaming gnomes

Today was full of preparation again. I'm preparing for another weekend of travel and exploration! We are heading to the coast for my b-day/father's day/last week of school celebration. Deane's plan, and it was a great one. But like any over night adventure preparations must be made. Extra socks, dog beds, favorite pillows, games, cameras, and everything else needed to maintain my 3 rowdy boys (and the diz of course) for days of fun. So mom gets the job of remembering everything. If it was up to dad we'd be in the dirt. It takes a lot to create these memory making family adventures. But I am willing and good at it and I know it's worth it. Just to leave it all behind for a while, a chance to press pause on the everyday grind. To turn off the PC (it rarely happens), leave the cell phones at home, and not play any video games for days on end. To enjoy each others voices and humor without distraction.
I love it now and I loved it when i was little. My parents took us every where and all the time. I could usually count on at least one day a weekend the whole family would do something fun. We would rarely stay longer than a night any where, but with four kids that's understandable. I love that my guys like to go as much as I do. They can still appreciate nature along with the technology. I think we have a good balance right now. We are equally having a blast together. Well maybe not Dizzy she is still a bit of a baby. But I have to admit she is getting braver by the trip. She will get there.
This one will be a new one for all of us. This is the first summer we have all had bikes, and I hope I'm not the first one to crash and burn. Wish me luck, I'm going to have crazy kids to keep up with, and i'm not known for my gracefulness. They ride bikes everyday, I ride mine once a week. It should be fun though. I'm excited. I guess 29 isn't so bad, at least I'm not 30 yet!

Haha I love you all my 30 and over friends, I'm being optimistic!

Much love everyone. ~lisa and crew

I've spilled

No real reason, no real rhyme, just thoughts i need to spill.

Me regardless the size, I am not that fat right now. yet i feel like I'll never reach that goal weight. It took 5 years to steadily gain back the weight i lost. Can i lose it now in 2 months? I am beginning to see the a difference in my body. But I will never be a 110 pound girl. I am me even if I'm fluffy. I'm not looking forward to bathing suit season. I am looking forward to a nice dark tan though. I use to love my body. I now hate my clothes. Why the sudden lapse in self esteem? The sun maybe. I've got a crush on it and i want to look good in it.

I turn 29 in two weeks. 29 jeez I'm getting old. I feel achy today. I never ached when i was 19. what happens at 39? I am terrified of getting cancer. I procrastinate important things. Cylis will be 10 in a month and I'm pondering life again. What have i done with it? This summer is a mile stone. I am running out of reasons to be home. I'm anxious to see what is in store for me. What will I make happen?

I'm a hermit. Rearranging in her home all day long. Better things to do? Yes i'm sure. Therapy is easily achieved through the movement of couches. I feel better. Sleepless body restless mind. Realization that i will not be included. Pictures will go un taken. Words will go unsaid. I am not at fault this time. Yet i am punished. I crave to drive somewhere far. Escape. Little parts of me want to cry. I've tried everything else. When do you start to feel grown up? Is that when it becomes no fun anymore?

Selfish? self absorbed? self centered? in love with myself? selfless? whole self? self contained? self worth? I've lost myself again. I'm searching for myself. Have you seen me? Someone knows me. He knows me. But what me? The me 10 years ago or the me now. The me now is better i think. more seasoned. Calm. He is my rock, he makes it ok. It works it's self out. It always does. I have love. Love is amazing.

The things i do?

Sometimes my routine can get ahead of me. As in any household, chores must be done. It is a must or its disgust lol... yeah i know ;) The three loves of my life are all men, and well as men go they really are not that bad. They are just forgetful boys that don't have the same desire to cleanse as i do. My other love is my dog ( The Diz) who on the bright side is probably cleaner than the boys. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good cleaning every now and then but the day to day can get a bit tedious.
Laundry for instance. I fold my laundry on my bed. Where else could you sit and fold 14 loads of clothes comfortably, and organized? But i do this thing, I fold it through out the day making a city of laundry buildings that reach toward the sky, transforming my bed into a folded city of sorts. If you have been to my home you have probably witnessed this. Now I don't like it, but it has to be done. It's just how I'm programed i guess. So i put all this time into organizing it perfectly, then come bed time i carefully take my nicely stacked piles and move them to the floor, just to be picked up the following morning for the cycle to start all over again. Rinse, repeat!
This is my life. Sometimes i feel like I'm stuck in the movie ground hog day, where i just keep living the same day over and over again. Folding the same shirts everyday, hanging the same towels, washing those same dishes. Who am i kidding? I don't wash dishes :) Haha But as i was saying, running a household can get old. I find myself asking myself WHY? Why do i spend these hours cleaning and organizing? Is it for me? Partially yes. I love having a clean house, but i think it's for them as well. I grew up in a clean home, Ok a really clean home. My mom woke up before everyone in the house and would dust and vacuum. So we would just awake to it like magic! Now I am defiantly not my mom. I am a more slack version I'd say, clean but not obsessive... anymore.
I have convinced myself that i am setting a good example. That they will grow into cleanly young men that won't disgust their future wives. Or at least will be appreciative of some good solid cleaning. My hubby loves a clean home too. That is why we try to have one cleaning day a weekend, just so come Monday my spirit isn't crushed when i wake up to the messes that the weekend brings. They say cleanliness is next to godliness. I don't know about how godly i feel but my house and yard are clean and it makes me happy. Spring cleaning is the best.

World stopping weekends

This last weekend was amazing. It was the kind that you don't want to end, the kind I want to share with all of you. Last year on this very day I was feeling very angry. I can tell you that i was angry due to countless books on using your words and teaching kids to express their feelings correctly. So I voice my feelings when i feel them. It helps me not to over react to things. So back to my point. Why was I angry you ask? Well last year my hubby dropped the ball... he forgot mothers day. Dun dun dun! I woke up to boys fighting in the living room, no coffee left in the house, and not even a mention when i talked to him on the phone. So as you can imagine i was pretty upset and me being me i voiced it, loud and clear for quite a while.
This year was a whole different story. It was great. It was a weekend long event. I got handmade artworks from both of my boys, they are just precious are always a favorite with me. Deane was so sweet, cleaning the house and making sure that mothers day was a very a big deal. Ohh and i can't forget, they bought me a bicycle. "I want to ride my bicycle... i want to ride my bikeee!" ~Queen. Anyway its a red and white mongoose mountain bike. I just love it. I forgot how good riding a bike feels. The wind in your face and freedom you feel its just amazing. It was a great gift, and i am so proud of my hubby. He did good ;) Now fathers day is right around the corner, but i'm not worried. I got a really good idea to rip off. hehe Happy spring bike rides!

Cold coma

To breathe. It is an amazing thing isnt it? So refreshing and easy, not really something you think about. more like something you just do right? wrong.
This past week was pretty much a blur. I remember thursday when i started feeling a we bit sniffly, but as for the weekend, what weekend?
I've always considered myself a healthy person, ok maybe not super healthy per say, but I'm conscious of my health. We try to eat organic and avoid red meats and pork. The kids take vitamins and a fruit or veggie must be consumed at every meal. We have made it pretty routine and its something i am proud of. I would love to see my boys grow into healthy men without ever having to deal with weight issues or health problems. Having being raised in a hamburger and kool aid generation we now know error of our parents ways.
We live in a pretty small town. There is one grade school and both of my boys go there. The school is amazing, full of culture and life, we just love it. The teachers are great and we just love the principal. But in my little town are a lot of parents that don't put the time into their kids the way they deserve. Kids that get sent to school sick, kids with low immunity's, that no matter how healthy you are, contagious is contagious. So occasionally we get sick. The boys (being 3 times as healthy as i am) will bring home a cough or maybe a little runny nose. Sometimes its the mother of all head colds that knocks you off your feet. That is what i received last Thursday. Have you ever had a cold so bad you actually lost time. A week of my life has disappeared, and i'm glad i don't remember it. It was one of those colds that your day consists of one thing, waiting to go back to sleep. Waking up just to pass back out. Feeling so awful you start to realize why people back in the day use to die from illnesses like these. Along with the head cold i got to experience a blocked tear duct as well. If you have never had one these I'll explain. Think of your tear duct as a valve, if something gets stuck in the valve it will stay open. Open to release tears constantly. You have no idea how terrible it was to cry out of only one eye for 4 whole days. Now it looks like i got punched in the eye. I'm not usually one of those people to talk about my ailments, but this was not your average sick. It was a coma, can't function,world standing still, moms out of commission, sick. A sickness worth blogging about. Its been a week since this arrived and I'm just starting to taste again. I'm hoping this is worst i'll see this year. It feels good to breathe again. Just one of those things, don't know what you got till its gone.

P.s. Eat your fruits and veggies!

Earth day

Today is earth day, and i am troubled by the lack of celebration. I woke up this morning not even realizing that today is earth day. I think this is a problem. This should be a much bigger deal. How many planets do you call home? Just the one? Thats what i thought. So why is it that we celebrate all other holidays with such spender. Are we really that selfish that we forget what is right under our feet, that earth you walk on everyday, the planet you take for granted. I have spent most of my life pondering religion, contemplating the balance of tradition and modern day life. I have come to the conclusion that today should be the biggest of holidays. Bigger than Christmas, bigger than 4th of july. Where is my earth day parade? Why is the anticipation of this holiday not blared across airwaves? This is something real, something you can reach right out and touch. We are given so much from the earth without even thinking about it. We snatch what we want like a child with greedy hands. I will not be that child. I am a loving daughter to my mother earth and i am changing my traditions right now! I have always recycled but i need much more than this. Next year on this day it will be celebrated. I will throw a party and bake a cake and invite my loved ones to celebrate this earth with me. There will be laughter and food and then we will take a walk and maybe even pick up garbage around our neighborhoods. Creating my own traditions that might actually make a difference. Hopefully I can open my children's eyes just a little wider to the world that surrounds them. Our planet deserves this. Lets deserve her back. Do something great today, even if it just means recycling. Even the smallest good is still good. Take care of yourself and take care of our mother. She has giving us life and is still giving. Lets give back. Please?

Ello you!

Ello you!
I like the British version better. Ell-O vs. Hell-O I think it sounds sweeter somehow. Maybe its just me. Anyhow the point of this was not ello. It is this amazing little crane fly (also known as a skeeter eater) that i met today. It was misty this morning and i was out and about with my camera and there in my flower was a perfectly poised crane fly. I looked at him, he looked at me, I like to think we had an understanding of some sort. So there he stayed out of the wind and safe on my porch, safe as long as he poses for me. We made a deal.

The mom sweep

Sweeping: sweep·ing

adj.

1. Having wide-ranging influence or effect: sweeping changes.

2. Moving in or as if in a wide curve: a sweeping gesture; a sweeping glance.

3. Indiscriminate; wholesale: sweeping generalizations.

4. Overwhelming; complete: a sweeping victory.

n.

1. The action of one that sweeps.

2. sweepings Things swept up; refuse.

This is the correct definition of the word sweeping. Its good, I like it. My definition is a tad bit different, yet wonderfully the same. I am a mother of two children, boys to be specific. I am also a partner to a wonderful man. A tree man to be more specific. So things happen to get messy, dirty, or even destroyed on more than one occasion. My job details as a stay at home mom include alot of day to day activity's but none of which i do so often. I mom sweep. Let me explain to you what a mom sweep is. I normally begin at one end of the house. I scope the floor, and I am sure if you clean at all this is something that just comes natural. All the little things left behind from a run by playing or a toss of something that just missed your brother. Things scattered about carelessly just waiting to drive themselves into the heel of your foot. No one ever left it there, the tiny yellow Lego embedded in my foot just grew like a little Lego mushroom right out of the CARPET!! This is why i sweep, for my own safety. I make my way through every room just picking things up. I have to, if i didn't the floor would disappear, more things would just grow, larger things like star wars ships, and piles of markers with papers all over. Socks are a biggie, all three boys are guilty of this one. I have found them in plants, on top of curtains, in the recycling, tucked in cushions even zipped inside throw pillows. This I have heard is a man trait, my mother claims my brothers did this as well. It boggles me. I will never fully understand these boys, no matter how long i stare, and wonder why they do the things they do. I am a clean person, I can't help it. My mother is clean and her mother was clean. I appreciate a cleanly safe environment ( to sound a little less neurotic). So going on my tenth year of motherhood. Yes i said tenth :D... I think i have mastered the art of the mom sweep. It is a peculiar thing to be a solitary female in a home full of men. One might feel out numbered from time to time. No not me, not right now. I feel empowered. I am the sweeper.

Rain woman

The great northwest... I love how they call it great, It is great! One great thing about it is the rain. I know rain is not a common greatness in other peoples worlds, but it is in mine. Growing up here I have seen all different types of rain. My favorite kind of rain is spring rain. The kind that comes out of no where and drops big juicy droplets, soaking everything in sight. Sometimes when the sun is still shining it gives the world a beautiful glossy sparkle. I love that rain. I love sparkles :) My other favorite type of rain isn't really considered rain. Misty rain, teeny tiny floating drops of water. The kind you can see sun rays and wind gusts through. It makes my back yard look like a fairytale. I can spend all day looking out the window smiling like a fool when its like that. My neighbors probably think I'm nuts.
Alas with the good comes the bad. Like the bad kind of rain, that covers up my day like a dark blanket and stays for weeks. Makes me feel like I'm stuck under a rock. Years here have made me hate this kind of rain. Winters are by far the worst though. Sheets of rain that sting your face. The kind that blow up and sideways and then crazy hail covering the grass like snow. Weather that makes my back yard look like some sort of tv reality challenge. Who ever makes it to the fence without drowning or loosing consciousness wins $100.000. I don't like it one bit! But i stay here in my great northwest. Waking everyday inspired. Loving that i'm just a minute from a beach or the mountains or even a little rain :) Washington is home, It will always hold a big piece of my mossy heart. But back to my point, spring is here and i couldn't be happier. I could use a little light in my life. Happy spring!

Endless drives with pot holes of emotion

This past month I think I have had an eye opening experience. Someone very close to me has fallen on hard times and I am trying my best to be helpful, loving and supportive. I have never had an urge to harm myself or others around me, yet there have been times I can almost see myself in those shoes. It has been one of the hardest things i have ever dealt with or not deal with. Just the feeling of loving someone so much, and knowing that they have so much to live for, but you can't do a thing about it.... Just love. I have been seeing a part of me that have not seen since my boys were babies, a very nurturing part of me. A feeling i haven't felt in a long time. I just want to take care of him. I want him to be ok. I want him happy. So i have been driving a lot lately. Checking up and checking in. I have never craved information on anyone like i do now. During these countless hours in the car i have been getting lost in my head. I've been contemplating love and the bond that grows. A bond so strong that even though you are slowly torturing each other you still hold tight. The love you feel for a child, when even a day away can make you feel hollow inside like your heart is missing from your chest. I have felt like this. So i know what its like. Love can make you crazy, but how long can you take crazy?

I think I have experienced a lot in my short life. I have given life to two wonderful children. I have married, loved and seen life diminish right in front of my eyes. I have seen death closer than anyone should have to. Yet i can still look to the sky and feel warmth from the sun. I can still love with my whole heart. I can still have hope for a full and whole life. I have put my life into perspective and made it my own. and I did all this with the help from my family and friends. I know there is strength inside us that we only use when we really need to. I feel like i want to hold up a mirror in front of your face and yell and fight and cry and make you see that you are so much more than just the reflection you see. There is a life inside you that is just waiting to live, a life i want to be part of. Through out my life as long as i can remember I've been a big sister, but i don't think i ever really took that title seriously, I do now. I hope i have an effect, or can just be a glimmer of hope. Not all who wander are lost.

The words to this song make my heart feel better.

Hope for the hopeless
A fine frenzy

stitch in your knitted brow
and you don't know how
you're gonna get it out
crushed under heavy chest
trying to catch your breath
but it always beats you by a step,
all right now

making the best of it
playing the cards you get
you're not alone in this

there's hope for the hopeless
hope for the hopeless
there's hope

cold in a summer breeze
yeah, you're shivering
on your bended knee
still, though your heart is sore
and the heavens pour
like a willow bending with the storm,
you'll make it

running against the wind
playing the cards you get
something is bound to give

there's hope for the hopeless
hope for the hopeless
there's hope

there's hope for the hopeless
hope for the hopeless
there's hope

well

Who well? How well? Do we actually know the people we say we know? I think about this often as i gaze through profile sites. Reading through people I know and used to know, or at least i thought i did. I like to picture people, like they are holding up a picture frame in front of their faces. A muscled canvas of sorts to display just what they would like for the world to see. How did they become that picture they are today. Will they ever show you the imperfections that once where, the hidden things that can easily go unsaid? I ponder these things as i watch my loved ones laugh and tell story's. Only showing you you a glimpse of themselves, a mere smudge in their painting, and a part of me feels saddened that I might not know them at all. Why don't I? Is it a fear of asking questions, or just never the right time to really talk.
I find myself feeling lucky that i have been given the chance to really know someone right now, that i have felt the closeness and trust in someone knowing me that well. I am able to still feel like i can say i know my sons, and i feel relieved that I can acknowledge that this might be a temporary thing. No matter how hard i try to fight it, someday i might not know them at least not like i know them now. They will get to point in their lives when they will put up the frame and and that will be all i see. Its not a cheery thought but its real.
Like most parents I will ramble my ramblings and no matter how hypocritical they might be I hold my frame in front of my face. Only showing my boys, whom i love so much, the picture of what i want them to remember me by. I know my canvas must seem rather impressionistic. A mess of colors and emotions that from a distance seem to make up a pretty picture. But up close it is a chaotic spill that hold no real pattern or destiny. Hiding all those deep imperfections and smudges i have made along the way. I wonder what my painting looks like through their eyes. If they even see what i portray?
They say art is in the eye of the beholder, who ever "THEY" may be. Well as the beholder I will tell you what I see. I see my life to be fun. Full of spontaneity and fascination. Wide eyed and rich with love. True feelings that burst with color and show through in my painting. I want to be known to those who love me. Because nothing quite feels the same as being really known, someone has to genuinely love and have a great interest to take the time and find out who you are. Its a pretty big deal when you think about it. Not to be taken lightly and defiantly worth the time. So if anything comes of this i hope you this gave you a little more clarity on who i am. Or at least what I'm thinking. :) much love!